I want to feel beautiful in myself. I like to look nice, when I can. I appreciate if people see beauty in me, although I may not believe it. I do not want to feel objectified and I do not want to be seen as sexy by anyone whom I am not dating.
I do not want to be whistled at or called out to. I don’t know anyone who likes this sort of attention. It’s degrading and makes me want to make myself look uglier.
Yesterday some stray pigs followed me home. I ignored them as they whistled and called out to me. When I got to my building I turned around and they appeared to be gone so I went inside. A few minutes later I could hear them outside our building, calling out to me. I was terrified. They couldn’t see me but when a clueless neighbour let them into the building I watched them through the spy hole in my front door. They were erratic and they knocked on several of my neighbours doors. One guy was still outside and I could hear as he buzzed several apartments on the intercom.
I crouched down in a corner with a racing heart for quite a while, even after they had left. When I felt safe enough, I called my mum and she told me to call the police but I didn’t.
I was scared of having to talk to the police and scared that they might come to my apartment but I was more scared that the police might find the guys because those bastards know where I live and I don’t want them coming back.
It is one thing to be a disgusting male who calls out to a woman and makes her feel uncomfortable but to follow her to her home is so fucked up. What was their intention? Why did they follow me? Did they expect that I would let them into my apartment? What the hell was going through their minds that would make them think that it was okay to do what they were doing?
I already have so many problems going out into the world. Stuff like this reinforces how unsafe it can be and I know I am okay and that it could have been much worse but that doesn’t stop me from feeling afraid. My biggest challenge now is not falling into victim mode (because it is so familiar) and instead letting my anger take over and empower me.
P.S- I know this sort of thing doesn’t only happen to females and I also know that there are lots of kind and respectful men around so please don’t think I am a man hater.