How and when

The dramatic moments make me think of it as an easy way out. My lonely and free hours make me think of it because what am I going to do with my life? When I have time to actually consider things properly and lay everything out in my mind then possibly I can keep going but when I reach the end of existing as a being who is only very slightly still human in a general sense, then I start to wonder how and when.

I think that every single time before now was some sort of build up or a rehearsal. My intentions were genuine most of the time but not every tiny part of my self was ready for such a huge change.

Maybe I can go on for a while and a while longer but eventually I’ll see myself out and that will be the only thing I will still be in control of.

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12 thoughts on “How and when

  1. Do I have to travel to Australia to stop you? I would if you wanted support (& gave me your number)! Since age 19 I’ve thought of suicide hundreds of times, made plans, took a step here & there, but never went thru w/it in part b/c I didn’t want to discover a worse afterlife! How do I know what happens? It’s so cyclical… the desire to give up life in order to end suffering w/in it goes away… returns… departs… @ any rate far as I can say knowing you only a bit… I love you. XOXO/Leah

  2. Even if you don’t believe in God, He put you here for a reason, and if you wake up breathing, you still have a purpose. There are so many wonderful things to look forward to each day–sunrise, sunset, a hot cup of coffee, your favorite TV show. Even things like mowing a yard or dishes can become a friendly routine. What if there is so much waiting for you up ahead, so much you can’t imagine?

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