Trauma, trauma, trauma… I feel like she is really trying to pin everything on the traumatic events in my life. I admit that they have definitely made me more fucked up than I was beforehand but I don’t think they are the cause of EVERYTHING.
“But I had anxiety and depression before that.”
“I had those symptoms before that happened.”
I kept repeating this and then we had to go back further… My teens, my childhood and when I stopped being able to remember things, she told me to ask my mother about my first couple of years of life.
Before we started intensively searching, she asked me to think of a safe place. I told her I didn’t really have one but then decided that I feel pretty safe/calm when listening to my cat purr. “I can rest my head on her body and listen. Except sometimes she might hit me.”, I told the therapist.
“That’s not a safe place then.”, She replied.
“Oh I trust her. I mean she will let me listen to her purr but when she has had enough she will let me know!”
Towards the end of the session she told me to work on my safe place. My cat would be so offended! I’m offended, I did the best I could.
I asked her if she felt intimidated by the fact that I’ve “seen every mental health professional in the area” and she said she didn’t.
She told me that I have never had the right treatment before and I got really angry. “My whole life has been a waste then! All of those appointments, medications, all of that money, wasted!” I felt like the biggest moron in the world.
When I drove far enough away from that place, I started to cry. I hated her then.