If you can’t handle what you find, don’t look

I was standing in my kitchen cooking pasta and thinking about going to visit one of my friends when suddenly I thought of another. I decided to google her because it’s been a few years since we talked and I wanted to know what she has been up to.

I wondered if she finished her degree and how her dogs are. I imagined she must have eased off contact with me because I was dragging her down. Maybe I reminded her of a younger version of herself. She was so supportive and so kind but I figured, for her own sanity, she had to let me go.

It didn’t take me long to find her death notice. Fuck. It hit me hard. I instantly felt cold and weak.  She died a couple of years ago and I never knew. We didn’t have anyone in common really, we’d met in hospital and I didn’t know her family. We hadn’t been in contact so I suppose that’s why no one let me know.

My eyes are stinging.

This doesn’t make sense because she was really getting her life together. She struggled a lot but she was determined and focused. I feel so shit. I wish I could have been there for her. I hate myself so much for isolating myself and pushing friends away.

I feel like there is no hope for me.

People can be out of your life for years and you barely even notice until they are actually, totally gone.

I really miss her. I don’t know what to do.


2 thoughts on “If you can’t handle what you find, don’t look

  1. I’m sorry you’re going thru this pain. May have happened no matter how close you two had been. Please don’t feel guilty. Remembering & missing her is your part & the rest was hers to decide. A big hug./L

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