I was standing in my kitchen cooking pasta and thinking about going to visit one of my friends when suddenly I thought of another. I decided to google her because it’s been a few years since we talked and I wanted to know what she has been up to.
I wondered if she finished her degree and how her dogs are. I imagined she must have eased off contact with me because I was dragging her down. Maybe I reminded her of a younger version of herself. She was so supportive and so kind but I figured, for her own sanity, she had to let me go.
It didn’t take me long to find her death notice. Fuck. It hit me hard. I instantly felt cold and weak. She died a couple of years ago and I never knew. We didn’t have anyone in common really, we’d met in hospital and I didn’t know her family. We hadn’t been in contact so I suppose that’s why no one let me know.
My eyes are stinging.
This doesn’t make sense because she was really getting her life together. She struggled a lot but she was determined and focused. I feel so shit. I wish I could have been there for her. I hate myself so much for isolating myself and pushing friends away.
I feel like there is no hope for me.
People can be out of your life for years and you barely even notice until they are actually, totally gone.
I really miss her. I don’t know what to do.