I have to use the word “therapy” very loosely here because most of those rage-inducing one-on-ones were hardly therapeutic but I lack a better collective term so I’ll stick with therapy for now.
I never returned to my psychiatrist after the disaster that was our last session and I haven’t bothered to find anyone else. Part of the reason I haven’t gone back is because I am still very angry with him and I want him to learn a lesson (god, that sounds childish). I feel like going back would be letting him win and I really don’t want that.
I know that the right kind of therapy with the right kind of therapist can be very beneficial but I have been a client/patient for all of my adulthood (so far) and most of my teens and for the most part I seem to always end up with duds. Or maybe the problem is that I am too familiar with therapy and anyone who strays from my ideals of the “right” type of therapist is wrong and infuriating. Whatever the case, this is proving to be an interesting little experiment in self-sufficiency.
Let’s start on a high note and look at some of the positives!
- I have less to be anxious about because I am not putting myself in a position of anxiety- the waiting room, the office, those conversations…
- I think I am less anxious too because I don’t have someone reminding me that I might get anxious. That doesn’t really make sense but in therapy if I were to talk about an upcoming event then it would usually be dissected to a point of creating more anxiety. Even thinking of ways to cope with potential anxiety can be anxiety-inducing because it reminds me that I need to always be prepared for the worst.
- I can be strange and not have to worry about someone telling me that my behaviour is abnormal or extreme. More precisely I can feel however the hell I feel simply because I feel that way and my actions can reflect this. There is no one telling me that I am acting a certain way because of suchandsuch reason or that my medications need to be adjusted because clearly something isn’t right.
- I haven’t felt like driving my car into a telegraph pole since my last session. I think a lot of my impulsive and destructive thoughts and behaviours get stirred up too much in therapy and right now they’re floating off somewhere else.
- I can wear whatever I want without the worry of my mental health being assessed by my appearance. (Too much effort= hiding something, too little effort= depression)
- I don’t have to participate in conversations about treatments I have no desire to try.
- I am able to do little things without too much thought because I am not constantly being reminded of how “ill” I am.
- I have to rely on myself to get through hard moments and some of the positive psychology filters into my brain so I am able to distract myself or find ways to cope.
- I can live in pyjama land and exist however I want without judgement. (“You could be doing…”, “Why don’t you…”, “Have you ever thought about…”)
Lets chuck some negatives in now because that’s true stunnedandstunted style-
- I am incredibly lonely. Even a crappy therapist can be a good substitute for a friend.
- I feel pretty lost because I don’t really have anywhere to be.
- I get more angry with myself because I don’t have a therapist to be angry at.
- I don’t really know what to do about all of my medications. I’ve just been getting repeat prescriptions from my GP.
- There are some things which can only be discussed in the safety of therapy.
- I don’t really know how to exist without having a therapist.
- I feel like I really do need someone to hold my hand and help me through the difficulties of life.(I am definitely not thinking of my recent psychiatrist here.)
- I worry that I am becoming a burden to my GP because it seems like I have given up on accessing help and support.
- I miss really good therapy.
The I dunnos-
- I don’t have to have goals or challenge myself very much
- I’m not spending money on therapy but I am spending it on other crap instead.
- Am I being brave or stupid?
- I can stay in my comfort zone, which is safe and familiar but this is ultimately not good for me.
- I don’t know if I am making decisions based on what I want or based on what my anxiety/depression want.
- Change is good?
Anyway, clearly I have too much time on my hands!