In the evening I feel guilty about having done very little with the day but I tell myself that the next day will be different. I dream of sitting in a park and reading or going mad on a shopping spree (presents for still being alive!). I think about driving somewhere different, just for the sake of getting out and seeing something new.
Then I have trouble falling asleep. My alarm clock gets changed to a later hour but I still think I can get out even with only a few hours of sleep. If I wake in the early hours of the day, which I usually do, I am at my saddest and I refuse to see out such a long stretch of daytime so I lie in bed and eventually I usually fall asleep again.
When I wake up again I feel like I could sleep through the whole day. I wish I could hold onto that weary feeling and take it with me to bed each night. “You can still go out and do something with the day.”, I tell myself but it takes me at least half an hour to actually get out of bed. By the time I have had a coffee, breakfast and a shower it is early afternoon. I move so slowly because everything I do is mentally exhausting and I get distracted a lot. There are too many steps involved in looking somewhat human.
If I actually need to go somewhere or if I am determined to make it out of the house then I get a burst of energy and rush out the door but usually most days if I can put off doing anything, I will. Shopping really is a waste of money and I have too much stuff as it is. Sitting outside could be boring or cold or something bad could happen. I could get lost or I could have a car accident… Instead I daydream about doing productive things around the house or being creative. Ten steps to my desk but then I need to find some paper or a canvas. Watercolours? Acrylics? Paintbrushes, water, mess and my lack of inspiration. Usually once enough of the day has passed I can excuse myself from doing anything non-essential. Then it’s evening time and it starts all over again.