Here’s how it usually goes

In the evening I feel guilty about having done very little with the day but I tell myself that the next day will be different. I dream of sitting in a park and reading or going mad on a shopping spree (presents for still being alive!). I think about driving somewhere different, just for the sake of getting out and seeing something new.

Then I have trouble falling asleep. My alarm clock gets changed to a later hour but I still think I can get out even with only a few hours of sleep. If I wake in the early hours of the day, which I usually do, I am at my saddest and I refuse to see out such a long stretch of daytime so I lie in bed and eventually I usually fall asleep again.

When I wake up again I feel like I could sleep through the whole day. I wish I could hold onto that weary feeling and take it with me to bed each night. “You can still go out and do something with the day.”, I tell myself but it takes me at least half an hour to actually get out of bed. By the time I have had a coffee, breakfast and a shower it is early afternoon. I move so slowly because everything I do is mentally exhausting and I get distracted a lot. There are too many steps involved in looking somewhat human.

If I actually need to go somewhere or if I am determined to make it out of the house then I get a burst of energy and rush out the door but usually most days if I can put off doing anything, I will. Shopping really is a waste of money and I have too much stuff as it is. Sitting outside could be boring or cold or something bad could happen. I could get lost or I could have a car accident… Instead I daydream about doing productive things around the house or being creative. Ten steps to my desk but then I need to find some paper or a canvas. Watercolours? Acrylics? Paintbrushes, water, mess and my lack of inspiration. Usually once enough of the day has passed I can excuse myself from doing anything non-essential. Then it’s evening time and it starts all over again.


16 thoughts on “Here’s how it usually goes

  1. Bummer, right? 🙂

    It’s awful when you feel like this, I know as I’ve struggled with similar things.
    To be honest it’s probably why I work for myself. This is weird, but when I felt like this and didn’t want to leave the house? I would go on the hunt for the perfect cupcake!! Lol Sometimes I couldn’t find one so came home empty handed. As weird as it is…it made me get up and leave the house. I like you have waaaay too much stuff and don’t really need anything. One day I felt really bad and a friend bought me over this amazingly beautifully decorated cupcake. Bam, that was it! That was my mission to find one even better, every time I felt like I didn’t want to get up.

    Like I said, Weird! 🙂 Whatever works though, right? 🙂 Hugs Paula xxx

      • It’s really good to hear something positive about ECT and I am so glad that it helped you. The idea of it keeps getting thrown around but I don’t know if I would be able to do it. I kind of wish that I had done it the last time I was in hospital or the time before.

      • Absolutely, I agree. Both times I’ve had it whilst being hospitalized for being suicidal and it helped immensely. Thing is medication can’t work at making us forget the hopelessness that we are feeling as quick as ECT can. I had 12 done each time I was hospitalized. My short term memory was affected for a while but I don’t regret anything. I was very unwell and they saved me!! Don’t be put off next time if it’s ever suggested to you. Much love to you. Paula xx

      • Lol this is why the nudge. Paula is great isn’t she? I love the idea of the perfect cupcake. Gluten free to really challenge. Cat toys too though. Each trip a certain colour. Fill the rainbow.

      • Sorry if this is rude to just barge into your conversation like this, but I saw you were discussing ECT and thought I’d offer my experience with it. I’ve done it once, 12 rounds over six weeks (I think, I can’t remember, partly because of the ECT, haha, but mostly because I was so depressed I can’t remember anything). It was scary because of all the misconceptions we have about ECT and probably because we’ve all watched “Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and heck that stuff is scary. But it’s very safe, and they explain everything (they did where I had it done), and yeah try to make you feel safe and taken care of, so after experiencing it it’s not scary any more. I can’t say for sure it was what made me better, we never can, because I was on some meds too, but I had been on the meds for a long time, with no result, and it was after the ECT things became better. And I do have to say that it didn’t make me happy or ‘not depressed’, but it took me out of the severely depressed category, and made me able to move 10 meters in less than a minute 😉 I’m kind of thinking what’s the worst that’s gonna happen, when you’re that depressed anything must be better? I dunno. So yeah, sorry if this was rude? :-S

      • It’s not rude at all! You’re welcome to join any conversation on here. Thank you for contributing. I am glad that ECT was able to help you. I have heard a lot of negatives and I have able to come up with my own because I am such a negative person haha, so hearing about the positives shifts my mind a bit. You were very brave to try it. I don’t know if brave is the right word but it takes courage to I guess surrender to something new or to trust in it. Or to have trust in those who offer it. Do you think you will ever have it again?

      • It was probably like a last solution for me. But I do have the impression now that ECT had a lot worse of a reputation than it should have, and that this bad reputation actually prevents some doctors to recommend it and it causes even more patients to deny it. I’ve read many horror stories about the effects of ECT, but found that many of the stories were about people who had had 70 treatments, and that the circumstances were less than appropriate, and that’s not how it should be done anyways? I don’t deny that some people really had a bad outcome, but what if that was just as much from being depressed in the first place, or different things? I sure know that being depressed all these years has done something about my mental capacity, like concentration and memory.

        What is the negative things you are thinking though? Let me hear them!

        And would I do it again? Sometimes I think, actually I thought it this week too, that I want to be electrocuted again. I need to snap out of this. I need to get better. And all that is true, but ECT is not that solution. I got better from a dazed shell of a life, and I didn’t realize back then how ill I was, I still don’t believe it now, but my therapist tells me it was worse than it is now. But for me, it feels like this is worse, because I’m present. I feel the pain. But feeling it makes it possible to work with it. So I don’t think ECT would help for this. So it worked, but it’s not a cure for someone who has reasons to be depressed, you can’t shock them away? If it’s just a chemical thing it might work wonders. This is just how I think of it though, I don’t know. And being chronically suicidal, as I am: If I got the opportunity again I would rather die. And being better, as I am and caring for the people around me, and seeing that I might not be the person who knows what’s best for me: I would always do it again.

        This ends up a long novel now, but I just wanted to let you know, since it actually seemed like you wanted my view on it. Another thing I can say is that most of the nurses and assistants that I got to know, and some of them that I kind of trusted, and definitely think of as reasonable people said that they “without a shadow of a doubt” would do ECT if it got to that. Many of them were so sure about it. And still for us, patients who haven’t seen the real stories ourselves, we believe all the negative hype. We are scared to be even more fucked up. To me it kind of burned down to: what else am I to do? So the fuck what if I lose my memory, it can’t be worse than this? If you got so much to lose, ECT is not for you, you’re not really ill enough, I guess.

        So, I feel kinda vulnerable now, saying so much about this. I’m scared that you didn’t really want such a long answer. Let me know your thoughts on what I’ve written, and the thoughts you had already. I’ve actually never told anyone I’ve had ECT. Because people think you have to be bat shit crazy or something.

      • There are so many sides to any decision, especially one as big as having ECT. My biggest fear was losing a part of myself, the part which cares about some things because even when we don’t care about anything I think we still care about something even if we can’t see it. That doesn’t really make sense but like you said, I was scared to be more fucked up.
        But that again makes no sense. The fear I mean. ECT works sort of like medication and I have taken so many different pills, all of which could have taken something away from me by altering my brain chemistry. I was defiant too. When I was told I needed ECT I thought I knew better even though I was very messed up. I didn’t want to stay as I was but I didn’t want to face the unfamiliar because I was terrified.
        I’m still terrified and whenever the idea of ECT or lately, TMS, gets brought up in therapy I shut it down very quickly. Anxiety always gives me a million reasons why I can’t do it.
        You’re scared that I didn’t want such a long answer and I am scared that my reply sucks! You don’t have to feel scared though. I really appreciate all that you’re sharing with me. The way you write and describe things makes so much sense to me and really gets me to think.

      • No, it does make sense! And I was scared of that too. That somehow sending electric pulses through my brain would change me, and take away the few things that I still valued. It definitely makes sense! Because it sounds so scary! Electroshock! And we have seen the movies from the 70s, and they are totally fucked right, and we know that it’s not the same today, but that image can’t be erased. For me in the end, I wasn’t that scared of losing myself, because even that was welcome, but even if I had had those restraints I would’ve been proven wrong. I haven’t lost the parts of myself that I could value … haha, I don’t think I have at least!

        I think it has got to do with how invasive it seems? Maybe? Because pills … humans have always taken medicine, from herbs and nature and so on, but shocking your brain, that just has to be WRONG! … Can this be a reason?

        So the long answer wasn’t wrong? Did you not want the long answer? Teaspoons.

    • I really like the idea of finding the perfect cupcake. It’s good to have a mission of sorts. Did you ever find it? Sometimes also it is good to have a cat because I decide to go out and get her some good food or a toy. Actually that reminds me, I need to go back to a particular store to buy a you my cat loves (and destroys quickly!). Thanks for the cupcake idea. Maybe I can look for the perfect cupcake or the perfect… hrm, I don’t know. The perfect exotic fruit? Some sort of weird food I have never tried before? Something that can be admired or eaten but wont become clutter! 🙂

      • Absolutely! Find something, anything! 🙂

        I have my adorable cat Sakura. She nudges me out of bed when I’m down, it’s as if she knows she has to get me up. I still look for the cupcake when things are bad. My niece made her mum make me some last weekend when she knew I was coming over to visit. It was so cute and thoughtful. I love fruit, so good luck with whatever you try. Hugs xxxxx

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