I know I need a new psychiatrist but like most things I can’t be bothered to find one so I continue to see the man who is not helping me at all. I rationalise that it is better than seeing no one but I don’t think I really believe that.
Today he told me he has high expectations of me. What the hell? We were talking about how I have no achievements or goals and he was telling me (yes, actually telling me) what I should be doing. You’re sad? Don’t be sad. You feel like a failure because people around you are graduating, getting married and having babies? Why don’t you have a baby? You feel like you have no discernible talent? Do these things that I think you should do. You don’t have the energy? How about going back on dexamphetamines? You almost killed yourself on those? Hrm, do you think you could take them safely this time? They could make your anxiety worse though…
I shook my head.
He doesn’t understand that when I talk about what other people are doing it isn’t coming from a place of envy. I don’t want to get married or have babies right now, although I do wish I had finished my university degree. “Married people wish they were single anyway. They’re probably jealous of you.” He told me. I highly doubt that. Perhaps he is unhappy in his marriage but he probably shouldn’t generalise like that even if it is an attempt to make me feel better about my life.
“You don’t understand. I don’t want those things but when I hear about what others are doing I feel inadequate because I have nothing. It also doesn’t feel real because time is sort of frozen for me. I still think of people as they were.”
That’s when he decided to share his high expectations and I almost laughed because I can see right though him. He doesn’t actually believe that I will achieve anything great, nor does he expect it. He is simply saying what looks best written down on paper. He wants me to think that I can do great things because then he doesn’t look like a failure of a psychiatrist. At the end of the day if he can state that I am capable of doing whatever I want to do because I am not a complete moron then the guilt lies with me if I fail.