Depression

My brother sees the tears welling up in my eyes but he knows not to say anything in front of the others. Instead he busily tries to make distractions so I can escape to the bathroom. I try to fix my face up and I don’t look at anyone when I come back out and announce that I am going home.

They walk me outside and I keep smiling until I have driven out of sight far enough to pull my car over and cry. I feel so hopeless and I don’t really have a reason to be upset. Nothing bad has happened but I feel so angry and guilty because of who I am and what I have. I hate myself so much for things which I can’t really control. Mostly though, I hate that there are parts of me which no one seems to be able to understand. I hate that I am “that person” to anyone. The person they love but cannot explain.

I can’t explain it to them either.

People say to take it one step at a time and that I should celebrate the small things I am able to achieve but outside of hospital or therapy the small things mean shit all. Those who love me do so unconditionally but there will always be expectations to try a little harder or to make an effort for a special occasion. I can’t always do that and when I let them down I feel so guilty. I wonder and worry if they feel guilty for what they say and expect.

I’m so scared that there isn’t anything to be hopeful about.

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11 thoughts on “Depression

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I wish I had something more helpful to say but all I can say is that I understand and can relate to how you’re feeling. I always feel like I’m letting people down and I hate that about myself.

    • Thank you for this sweet comment. I’m sorry you feel this way too. We’re all sort of alone in this together or together in this alone? I don’t really know what I mean but thanks for your support.

  2. You must be so alone in your thoughts, i feel you.. but you know what, you have the power to change this. you can start to feel different, for a start. You can come up with a plan on how to get out of this hell hole. If you don’t pull yourself out, nobody can. Try…

  3. You are the the person that makes the stars sparkle brighter in the sky to touch someone. Unconditional love is… unconditional. No expectations. Just to share the brighter stars with you.

    I am here, unconditionally.

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