Do you ever get just a tiny bit disappointed when you go to the doctor and there is nothing seriously wrong with you? Maybe disappointed isn’t the right word. Perhaps frustrated would be better because in your head you’ve already started playing out a terrible outcome and you think you finally have a reason for why you feel so awful. Then you have to face reality when the doctor tells you that you don’t need to be worried so you smile and act relieved.
Maybe I am alone in this warped way of thinking. It makes me sound incredibly selfish, doesn’t it?
It would be great though to have something to blame beyond mental illness. It would be even better if there was a disease or illness which caused mental illness in me and for some reason went undetected for so many years. Maybe then I could get some treatment and be cured.
My blood test results were fine. My bruising is caused by fragile capillaries, which my doctor said is quite common in young women but I think it’s probably because I am getting older. It could be related to my medications. I also separately have a little virus or really bad allergies so I am supposed to rest for a few days.
I thought it would all go together in a package. The bruising, the tiredness, the headaches, the cold symptoms, the depression and anxiety… I thought he would call me up and give me some hope (that’s a twisted way to word it) because if everything could be explained into one illness then it would be easier to treat.