If they feel what I feel when I see one of them sad then I don’t know how my family functions. They’re probably used to my dysfunction or maybe the place which breaks when we see loved ones in pain is already always broken when they think of me. If that is the case then all I can do is to try to give them something to feel happy about.
If their hearts hurt and their eyes well up like mine do for them then I wonder why they haven’t eased themselves out of my life entirely. It is awful to see someone so upset and to not have any way to make things better for them.
I feel like I should know what to say. I open my mouth and the words which come out seem so useless. Why can’t I take my own advice?
I hate that I had to ask the questions they have had to ask me- “Are you going to be okay?”, “Are you worried about what you might do?”, “Do you feel safe?”
And all the while I am trying to act like I am not on the same side of the coin; like I am not desperate to openly breakdown too.