“Have you got anyone who can take you there?”

It wasn’t the question which made me cry. It was my answer.

“No. I’ll go alone.”

I drive past houses which do not belong to us anymore and I know that they are filled with strangers. My suicide hole is probably being used for storage. Everyone is so far away now. I lie awake at night thinking about that.

I fell out of the lives of so many people because company became too hard to bear. My anxiety robbed me of a safety network and I hate myself for letting that happen. At the same time I can’t face the idea of any sort of reunion. I want people to be around unconditionally but I am not stupid enough to believe this is possible.

If I could tolerate the presence of another human then I would start dating again just to have someone there.


8 thoughts on “Alone

  1. It’s strange how you/we/whatever end up being shut down by society. You seem to be an intelligent person who writes powerfully and succinctly. These words have gone in one of my ears and out the other, and now they’re on the way to you. Don’t give up! Haha.

  2. I’m also very isolated, mainly because I just couldn’t live up to the effort relationships require. But, it is a sign of our illness and maybe even hardly surprising considering everything else we cope with. It doesn’t help to then beat ourselves up for something we couldn’t help. I’m glad you have your cat, they can come to mean everything. I have my little Jack Russell. Sometimes they can be our only real connection with another living being, but that can be enough while we work on our “recovery”

    • That’s how I feel too. I can’t live up to the effort of relationships. In the logical part of my mind I know that I can’t help a lot of this but I still end up blaming myself.
      I love Jack Russells. They are gorgeous little dogs with cool personalities. 🙂

  3. Perhaps this is black and white thinking again, that people can not be around unconditionally? look at your friend, the mother of your honorary niece, who spends as much time with you, as she can… all unconditionally… your friend too I think. Others would too, if you let them in. Don’t give up, k?

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