Shocker

Today was a very anxious day for no reason in particular. I felt like I used to feel and I wanted a Xanax. I could have taken a Xanax but I didn’t because-

– I don’t want to let anyone down (my family, my psychiatrist, my friend)

– I am scared of what might happen if I relax just a little.

– I remember how freaking awful I felt coming off benzos in hospital. Ugh.

It’s not that I care about myself or anything nice like that. If I had no one in my life I would easily take anything I could get my hands on. I have nothing to prove to myself so if I screw up it doesn’t matter. It matters to those who care about me though. I hate anxiety so much. I often say that it wont be depression that kills me, it will be anxiety.

Random memory- My father once dated this woman who said, right in front of her young daughter, “I want her to do gymnastics or some sort of sport because she is a fat girl.”, How messed up is that? I felt so bad for her daughter. That relationship didn’t last very long. I wonder how the kid turned out.

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4 thoughts on “Shocker

  1. Even if it wasn’t because you care about yourself, I’m still proud of you.
    Have I told you that I want to call my future (maybe) dog Benzo? I dream of them, they’re so amazing, they’re the best, to relax, to not have your chest thumping, and to just be chill … but they’re terrible. It’s not true, the dreams I have of them. The way I romanticize them, and make them up to be the solution to all my problems. But a dog, a dog is constructive, healthy, good. Maybe his love could be better than popping pills, and his name would remind me every day of the addicted life I wouldn’t be leading any more. And maybe some day I’d yell out Benzo! and all I could feel was peace at mind, because someone was reliant upon me, and someone loved me and we were chill together, but not because I’d drugged myself out of feeling but because I’d found a real solution.

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