Today was a very anxious day for no reason in particular. I felt like I used to feel and I wanted a Xanax. I could have taken a Xanax but I didn’t because-
– I don’t want to let anyone down (my family, my psychiatrist, my friend)
– I am scared of what might happen if I relax just a little.
– I remember how freaking awful I felt coming off benzos in hospital. Ugh.
It’s not that I care about myself or anything nice like that. If I had no one in my life I would easily take anything I could get my hands on. I have nothing to prove to myself so if I screw up it doesn’t matter. It matters to those who care about me though. I hate anxiety so much. I often say that it wont be depression that kills me, it will be anxiety.
Random memory- My father once dated this woman who said, right in front of her young daughter, “I want her to do gymnastics or some sort of sport because she is a fat girl.”, How messed up is that? I felt so bad for her daughter. That relationship didn’t last very long. I wonder how the kid turned out.