That’s So Cool

I wake up with classical music playing in my head: my own funeral. It’s too bright outside. As much as I hated winter, I have trouble adapting to the sunshine and the smells of spring seeping through my window. In my dreams I fly a lot. I fly from spinning swing rides and crash into lots of people. I hover in the air, just above the ground. Mostly I fly off buildings and wait for my body to crack.

Someone in the building is cooking. It must be lasagne because I think I can smell beef and béchamel sauce. It’s 10:30 in the morning but it smells like dinner time. I know I should get out of bed but I can’t move. It feels like I have a wound in my heart and every breath I take pulls at the stitches.

Yesterday was a success in that I was able to attend my sort of niece’s birthday. I was anxious a lot but I was able to pretend to be okay. Today all of the pride I had has disappeared and every comment or conversation from the day is being massacred.

“I haven’t been up to much. I don’t have a partner or a baby so I am pretty boring.” Why do I have to be so awkward?

“Thank you for spending so much time with [birthday girl] today.” Was I getting in the way of other people spending time with her?

“That’s so cool!” Why did I say this so much? Is that my go-to phrase now? I need some other adjectives!

“Have you eaten anything yet? Have something to eat. Have some cake!” Don’t they understand how anxious I am about eating?

“Do you want to let’s try this over okay so for there…” What was I even trying to say? I wasn’t drunk, I was just nervous. Luckily I also happened to mumble a lot yesterday and no one seemed to hear that gem of a sentence.

There’s a whole other family who would miss me if I were to die. I think of my friend’s parents and what they might say, “She was such a sweet girl. She was so friendly, helpful and such a good friend to [my best friend]. [Best friend’s daughter] absolutely adored her.”

I know what they would say because they’re the sorts of things they say to me already. The only missing part is the part that would hit them slowly and stick around for months or years to come, “We had no idea she was struggling so much.”, and then they’ll wonder if there was anything they could have done.


3 thoughts on “That’s So Cool

  1. I like how you dashed a whole lot of expectations in the first paragraph, it’s really good wordplay.
    All the better for being true, I think.
    You have my sympathies for unsatisfying flying dreams. (If I get to fly it’s usually flying away from something, like zombies. Bleh.)

    Do you normally like classical music?

    Ah, well hopefully you had fun anyways. I expect that they probably people mentioning the time you spent with her because they were glad you were keeping her entertained.
    But little kids are good to be around anyways, or they are for me. They are more easy to converse with than most adults, more interested in games, than gossiping, and asking questions about how the universe works, rather about the things I’m not doing with my life. I like kids. 🙂

    Bungled sentences are most fun in retrospect. I’d totally read a book full of them, especially if there was an “intended to say” sentence beside it. Sort of like misheard lyrics. 😀
    My own speciality is ramble-run ons that don’t ever get to the point; not nearly so fun to read.

    • You get to fly away from zombies? You’re totally ready for a zombie apocalypse!
      I like little kids and the elderly because they don’t seem to judge me. Kids are too young to tell that I am “different” and old people either like to talk about their own lives or figure that I am still young enough to get my life together.
      I don’t ever listen to classical music. I have nothing against it or anything, I just don’t listen to it. It reminds me of my Grandma.
      I ramble in sentences too and I have a habit of using too many commas.
      Thanks for the comment. I hope we’re both able to fly somewhere cool like to the moon! 🙂

  2. You are not awkward. Everyone feels different and separate much of the time, and say things that sound strange. You have a purpose and wonderful things in store for your future!

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