I didn’t end up pulling an all-nighter. I went to sleep at around 4am and today I feel so crappy. I know it was good of me to see my friend but now she’s going to keep wanting to see me. She has already invited me over for dinner tonight and I can’t say no even though I feel peculiar from a messed up medication schedule and my new strange sleeping patterns.
It’s easier to not be in contact with people but I can’t exist like that even though most of the time I want to. I can’t expect everyone to unconditionally be there for me and for me not to have to do the same in return. The guilt of not being there for my friend right now is worse than actually having to be there for her, I guess.
Is it safe for me to be out and about though? I think I am okay to drive and I drive pretty well but I am feeling sounds again. That hasn’t happened for a while and it is hard to explain. It’s like everything I hear triggers a nerve somewhere in my body. Some sounds are smooth and just sort of run through my skin. Other sounds are like a jolt of fear or pain. The sound of my heater is like a blanket of protection. The sound of my indicator clicking off is like my neck cracking. Some sounds really dig into me and I squirm about. If a door slams in my building it feels like I have been dropped onto a hard floor.
My friend just sent me a text saying toddler friend is having a long sleep and that I don’t have to come over. I’d already texted her saying I can’t stay late because I need to get my medication into me earlier and I suggested that I come over for the afternoon instead of the evening. I have an out but I am scared it’s a test. I don’t know what to say now. Maybe it is okay for me to suggest another day or to explain that I am really feeling odd. I still feel guilty about not going over there though. It’s crazy. I can go weeks and sometimes months without seeing her and as soon as I see her, I feel like I have to go back to the olden days when we we practically attached at the hip.
I had a weird short dream this morning. I was on an oval and everyone was being evacuated because something bad was going to happen. I decided to ignore the warnings and to move closer to the danger. There were lots of people and all of a sudden we couldn’t move. Some sort of radiation wave swept over us and we got covered in horrible burns. We were pretty much cooked and then someone saw that I had hand sanitiser and everyone went into a frenzy trying to grab it just so they could feel liquid on their skin and try to ease the burning. It was awful.