Out Of Step

I feel like I have forgotten to take my medication or that I’ve just started a new medication all of the time. It’s most obvious to me when I leave the house. My head feels light and there’s a pulsing sensation in my brain. Everything about me becomes obvious and I think things like, “Am I breathing right?”, “Am I walking funny?”, “When did I last blink?”

I trot along and it really does feel like trotting because I am so focused on my gait that it becomes quite bizarre. Sometimes I feel so unreal that it makes me smile. I trot along with a peculiar look on my face and I wonder why people are staring.

When I was a kid, I decided that I needed a new walking style. I don’t remember why I decided this, maybe one day I started walking in a new way and thought it looked cool. I remember feeling really classy and tall when I walked this new way. No one bothered to tell me that I looked like a complete idiot. Or at least not to my face. Eventually I found out that everyone thought it was weird so I stopped walking that way.

I don’t know how to walk now. I’m not confident enough to push my shoulders back and hold my head up high. I don’t want to stare at the ground too much because I need to be aware of what’s going on around me. I feel disconnected from the earth. I step heavily every now and then to make sure I don’t float away.



17 thoughts on “Out Of Step

  1. You express so well how you’re feeling. Your writing is very interesting. I think that being aware of how you walk is the first step in making some adjustments, step by step, to your posture and gait, to become more confident. Wishing you all the best. 🙂 Irina

  2. I think you need to talk to your Doctor more about your med change.

    You went for a walk though :), try listening to music and sort of dancing as you walk, something slow, perhaps it will allow for more gracefulness. Walk slower too.

  3. I totally relate to everything you’re saying, those thoughts like, am I doing this right? even the smallest things that most people take for granted. The walking thing… I am convinced I’m doing it wrong. I roll my shoulders and don’t stand up straight. My boyfriend even tried to get me to walk differently. To be more bouncy, like him. So dumb. It feels unnatural to talk wall when it doesn’t reflect what’s on the inside.

  4. I feel *exactly* like that about walking! I had the same experience as a kid, as well, of choosing a “stylish” way to walk and just looking like a doughnut. Yeah… it’s weird to be able to relate to this, I didn’t know other people had this.

  5. I think you’re doing great and I must say that in the middle of the pain and troubles – you really are describing your situation with humour. No one can explain the feeling of walking peculiar, better than what you did in this post.

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