I feel like I have forgotten to take my medication or that I’ve just started a new medication all of the time. It’s most obvious to me when I leave the house. My head feels light and there’s a pulsing sensation in my brain. Everything about me becomes obvious and I think things like, “Am I breathing right?”, “Am I walking funny?”, “When did I last blink?”
I trot along and it really does feel like trotting because I am so focused on my gait that it becomes quite bizarre. Sometimes I feel so unreal that it makes me smile. I trot along with a peculiar look on my face and I wonder why people are staring.
When I was a kid, I decided that I needed a new walking style. I don’t remember why I decided this, maybe one day I started walking in a new way and thought it looked cool. I remember feeling really classy and tall when I walked this new way. No one bothered to tell me that I looked like a complete idiot. Or at least not to my face. Eventually I found out that everyone thought it was weird so I stopped walking that way.
I don’t know how to walk now. I’m not confident enough to push my shoulders back and hold my head up high. I don’t want to stare at the ground too much because I need to be aware of what’s going on around me. I feel disconnected from the earth. I step heavily every now and then to make sure I don’t float away.