Cleaning out my desk (aka kill me!)

The first rule is that I have to wear comfortable clothes but I cannot be warm. I’ll move around a lot more if I am cold and will hopefully get more done. I have to keep reminding myself that the idea is to clean and de-clutter, not get caught up in looking at everything too closely. I have two liquid paper pens, two liquid paper dispensers and one refill for a liquid paper dispenser. I can’t even remember the last time I used liquid paper!

Every now and then as a reward, I am allowed to sit in front of the heater for a few minutes and I blast it on it’s highest settings. I manage to find lots of reasons to take breaks: cigarettes, washing my hands, washing my hands so I can have a cigarette, washing my hands so I can have a drink of water and blogging too apparently.

It’s just after midday and I have been up since 6:00am. I didn’t sleep very well last night and it was freezing when I woke up but my brain wouldn’t let me go back to sleep or even doze so I got up and decided it would be a good day to clean.

I’ve been cleaning for a few hours but my desk doesn’t look any different. I’ve pulled so many things out of drawers and everything is everywhere. Maybe I spent too much time testing out old pens and organising my stickers.

I wish I could jump a few hours into the future when hopefully I will have a desk surface again and wont be surrounded by paper/ribbon/miscellaneous crap!


6 thoughts on “Cleaning out my desk (aka kill me!)

    • I read the post but it’s kind of hard to word my opinion because I don’t know the person who wrote it and what they’ve gone through. Not that it really changes much but I don’t know, maybe if they recently lost someone to suicide or something like that it might explain the intention of the post.
      I am in two mindsets because I have lost someone to suicide and sometimes I still get angry at her for leaving but I have also attempted suicide many times and often still want to die. Regardless, I don’t think people who commit suicide are selfish or that they don’t think about those who care about them. One of the most tormented parts about being suicidal IS thinking about loved ones. I feel awful when I think about how my loved ones would feel if I killed myself but I also feel awful about what I am doing to them while I am alive and the possibility of this going on forever.
      The people who know most about how suicide can’t be undone and how it will hurt others are suicidal people who think about this sort of stuff all of the time.

      • I totally agree, and feel the same way. You hear their words when they tell you that it’ll break their hearts, but somehow you think you know better, that they’re wrong, that once you’re dead they’re gonna realize that they in fact are better off without you. I mean I totally think I’m selfish and disrespectful and all things bad (of course), but I don’t think that of others struggling with this, because I know firsthand that it’s not how it is, and therefore I don’t want people to tell those who are struggling that they are even more bad things. I have a friend who’s so low lately and for someone to call him selfish for wanting to die? Oh no! Because I know he’s not, he’s just really sick.
        I tried to like shed some light on it from my point of view, but it seems I just met a wall, or maybe I came off a little too harsh. That guy called me rude though! Have I totally missed out on social rules here and stepped in it? Do you think my comment was mean and rude? I feel like it was .. true?

      • I can’t see your comment on the post. There are no comments there? I doubt what you said was rude or mean though!
        Are you okay after all of that?
        He chose to write that post and put it on the internet. Just because you have a different opinion doesn’t mean you’re mean or rude!

      • Well, obviously it did mean that. Seems like he deleted the post so the comments would go away, and then post it again or something. Well-well. I just wrote something about suicide not being selfish and the most disrespectful thing you could, but that it was SICK, and not those things. And that suicidal people already lived with a lot of guilt and self-blame, and guilting them wouldn’t be the way to go to make them not do it. + I had never felt like I didn’t care about the ones that were left behind, but that because of the delusional world suicidal people live in we think that it’s best for everyone that we die, but that’s not about being selfish or not caring about the ones we love, but about being sick. He took at as massive critic … I just meant it like letting him know how it was from this side of it, you know?

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