Keep It Bottled Up

A problem shared is a problem halved, right?

I didn’t even get to share my problem. I started telling my mother about a particular dilemma I have and she didn’t react as I wanted her to so I got upset and froze her out.

The tension built.

She apologised and told me to continue. I snapped at her and said there was no point. I told her I would keep my problems to myself from now on. She became upset and I could tell that she felt really bad. I had tears in my eyes but I wasn’t going to cry in front of her. I told her not to worry and that everything was okay. She said she was worried now and I said meanly that it was my problem and I would deal with it.

I went home.

I started crying as I opened my door. It felt kind of good to be able to cry but the tears weren’t enough of a release. I felt guilty over my stupid problem and guilty for worrying my mother and making her feel like shit so I self-harmed.

I lay on my bed crying. I can’t do this. I can’t deal with living and life and people and having to make conversation or apologise for being too fucked up to function. I can’t make excuses for why I am the way that I am.

My mother will call me soon, I am sure. She will want to make sure I am okay and will try to get the rest of my dilemma out of me. I wont tell her.

Apart from writing these ridiculous posts, I wont tell anyone anything anymore.

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14 thoughts on “Keep It Bottled Up

  1. We can’t control how others react, they own their own thoughts and actions. We only have control over our own thoughts and actions. Do you ever think that you should call your mother and see how she is feeling? Does she have to run after you, all the time? What are you really seeking, besides drama and attention by these actions?

    • Actually I did call her to apologise. When I get upset like that, I don’t think very clearly. I try to shut people (including my mother) out because I don’t want drama and attention.

  2. Sorry to hear about this but I can relate. When I’ve opened up to people about my anxiety/depression they just don’t understand so I end up more frustrated than anything having to explain it to them rather than venting like I wanted to. Sometimes they make really stupid or insensitive remarks as well, for instance my mum always used to tell me I was over-reacting to the bullying I experienced at school. I don’t bother talking to people either because it’s not worth the hassle and I act like everything is fine so no one even asks how I’m doing anymore. I understand what you’re going through so you’re not alone 🙂

    • Hi, thanks for the comment. I am sorry you feel you have to act fine too. It’s a lot of weight on our shoulders and then people get angry because we haven’t been honest about everything.

      • I personally think it’s just as difficult facing it alone as it is with people not understanding but at least alone people don’t ask questions that I can’t properly answer. If they complain that I shouldn’t keep it to myself and should have told them I use the excuse that they have enough stuff in their own life to think about and it’s not up to them to fix me. It’s a difficult situation either way.

  3. I really feel for you. You are obviously aware of your own reactions that you don’t like. Try to make a small change in how you react. Tomorrow is another day, a new chance to make amends. Blessings.

  4. Double S not knowing how to help causes tension, many say they understand, but how can they truly understand unless they are amazing empaths, or have gone through this also. So in their attempt to understand and or help, they may and will say things that are just not helpful. Sometimes hurtful, they will see you shut them out a bit, or lash back at times and they will become defensive, perhaps even send barbed words back. No one truly means what they say when this happens, it is reflex, or the simpleness of not knowing how powerful some words can be. Even in comments that are made without much forethought on a blog…. Asking questions is nice, but often irritating also. As was mentioned above too, many do not want to burden others with what they are going through, there are many reasons for this, I don’t have to list them. But what happens is you go through it alone, sort of by choice but truly not really either.

    You are not alone though, maybe far away, but not alone.

    We too, will read things into what we think others are thinking, or read more into what they say, or even what they are not saying. This is harder with BPD too, the tendency is to see this as one way or the other, I ask that you try to think sometimes that it is often not just one way or the other, there is a lot in between and perhaps some words were not meant to be hurtful. There may not be unsaid things that you think are lurking in others.

    Deep concern too can be smothering. Look at it as love though and not smothering, for you would show the same concern and I know do so as you did with your brother so recently. 🙂 tis love Double S.

    When we open up, and share, a dam opens. Understanding grows too. Moms are good people to release dams with, they are good huggers. Sharing is good for both, even if what you share is not so nice.

    You are so not alone though, and these posts, they are not silly.

    *super big hugs*

    • I have read your comment a few times but I can’t formulate a reply beyond saying thank you, which doesn’t seem like enough. I understand what you mean. I understand that sometimes people say things without really thinking (in the moments, I don’t understand but later I do).
      I’m so tired, I know I’ve told you this but it’s making it hard for me to come up with anything good to say. I just really want you to know that I appreciate your response and kindness
      Hugs back

  5. Your posts aren’t ridiculous. They are honest and smart. Sorry that you’re not finding the right level of understanding in your life right now, and that the tears weren’t enough of a release. *Hugs* xxx

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