A problem shared is a problem halved, right?
I didn’t even get to share my problem. I started telling my mother about a particular dilemma I have and she didn’t react as I wanted her to so I got upset and froze her out.
The tension built.
She apologised and told me to continue. I snapped at her and said there was no point. I told her I would keep my problems to myself from now on. She became upset and I could tell that she felt really bad. I had tears in my eyes but I wasn’t going to cry in front of her. I told her not to worry and that everything was okay. She said she was worried now and I said meanly that it was my problem and I would deal with it.
I went home.
I started crying as I opened my door. It felt kind of good to be able to cry but the tears weren’t enough of a release. I felt guilty over my stupid problem and guilty for worrying my mother and making her feel like shit so I self-harmed.
I lay on my bed crying. I can’t do this. I can’t deal with living and life and people and having to make conversation or apologise for being too fucked up to function. I can’t make excuses for why I am the way that I am.
My mother will call me soon, I am sure. She will want to make sure I am okay and will try to get the rest of my dilemma out of me. I wont tell her.
Apart from writing these ridiculous posts, I wont tell anyone anything anymore.