I like my new psychiatrist but I don’t love him. I loved my old psychiatrist but I hate her. He is kind, smart, funny at times and seems to understand a lot about me. She was basically a relative. She was my friend. She was a pathetic psychiatrist but I don’t think I was seeing her for professional advice towards the end. She was familiar. She was comfortable.
I know that things had to change and I didn’t really expect to see the old psychiatrist after my last hospital admission. I still don’t have any plans to see her again but I haven’t stopped seeing her either. By that I mean I am technically still her patient, I just don’t go to any appointments with her.
She doesn’t seem to care and that hurts a lot. I hate her but I want her to care. I hope she is worried and bitter about everything. I hope she is curious about me and jealous that I am seeing someone else. Becky from http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/ wrote about her fear that her character defect is cruelty and I can really relate to that. I want my old psychiatrist to suffer because I am angry at the years I wasted with her. As a regular human being, I don’t wish her harm, really, but as a psychiatrist, I want her to feel like she failed me because she did fail me. She’s just a blur though. I shouldn’t separate her profession from her person. She doesn’t deserve two sets of emotions anymore.
There is space between my new psychiatrist and I, which is partly because I haven’t been seeing him for very long and partly because I think there needs to be space in these situations. It’s a good amount of space and it shouldn’t be confused with distance. I’ve had distance with other doctors, doctors who cared less about how I felt and more about telling me how I should be feeling. I’ve had distance with doctors I’ve despised because I was young and resented being in therapy. I think I was too close to my old psychiatrist and I got into her head a bit. She did what she could to stop my fists from going up in the air but she didn’t look further down the track. I’m quite sure I manipulated her without even trying (which is the best kind of manipulation, isn’t it?).
Maybe this is what she wanted all along. She knew I needed to be hospitalised, maybe she pushed it so much because she also knew that I didn’t want to be under her care in hospital. Now I am another doctor’s problem but, to his credit, I don’t think he sees me as a problem. I think he genuinely wants and tries to help.
With my new doctor it’s about what I can do to improve my life. With my old doctor it was more about what I could take in order to get through my life.