Bone-Chilling Depression

My most familiar depression is happening outside of hospital. It waited a couple of days for me to get used to being home before it gradually seeped back into my life. It’s a cold depression. It feels like being lost outside on a winter’s night. It’s aimless and lonely but I know it so well.

The new antidepressant probably hasn’t kicked in yet or if it has, it isn’t working. I feel completely stripped of any desire to participate in life. There is nothing assisting me; nothing to help ward off the despair.

I left hospital completely unprepared. I haven’t made any appointments nor do I have anything to do. I don’t feel like doing “pleasant activities” and the thought of planning my days seems pointless. I just want to rest. My family is irritating me and I know that’s an awful thing to say. They’re trying to support me but all of their calls and texts just make me think they’re checking to make sure I am alive.

It must be terrible to really know me.



16 thoughts on “Bone-Chilling Depression

  1. Hey there, Don’t bother about how it is for other people to know You. They don’t get what you’re going trough. The thing is – how is it for you to know you. I guess it’s tough right know – but hang in there. Ok?

  2. Sounds like you have been going through a lot. We have two things in common – depression and an addiction to Benzo’s. Fortunately for me, I got over that addiction some time ago. It’s not easy. I’m sure you know that routine does help. Sometimes we just don’t want that, but hopefully your mood will improve soon.

    • How long did it take you to get over the benzos? I mean when did the withdrawal symptoms ease? I haven’t had a benzo in over three weeks but still have to deal with withdrawal symptoms as well as side effects from my new antidepressant. Routine does help but I just can’t be bothered with it right now.

      • I had to be detoxed from the Benzo’s. I remember feeling as if everything was screaming and echoing inside my head for quite sometime. That was 14 years ago. It is always difficult to get used to day to day living without them. Life must feel a struggle for you right now. The antidepressants are always difficult to get used to.

  3. Ah, you poor thing. I’m thinking of you. I don’t know whether you’d say we “really” know each other, but I always specifically look out for your posts and search for them if I can’t find them, and i most certainly don’t find you terrible to know. Actually, I think you’re pretty brave and awesome 🙂 if you feel like connecting with some more like-minded people outside of WordPress without leaving the house, do you want to join our secret Facebook group? You’d be very welcome. XX

  4. Double S, the antidepressant could take 6 weeks or more before you feel it working, I know that is not what you want to hear, it is also about the time for some of those side effects to fade. But talk to the doctor, go over the side effects and how you feel it may not be working, it is good for them to know.

    as for the withdrawal, it varies, it is a long period. there are meds that can help with this, meds that are not addictive. Again talk to your doctor about this. Don’t give in though, you are very strong.

    Super big hugs

    • I haven’t even made an appointment to see my hospital psychiatrist. I’m still adjusting to being back home and I am scared about driving somewhere new. I think I’ve only been on Luvox for a couple of weeks, I can’t remember. Six weeks is so long. I don’t know if I can tolerate six weeks of this. I don’t mean the side effects, I mean how I feel.

      • Grt someone to drive you to relieve the pressure. Mom I bet would be happy too.

        Sometimes you can create your own meds. Brain chemicals. This could ease things for you as the luvox takes hold. Exercise is a biggie for this… but hard to do when depression has a strong hold.

  5. Sorry to hear this. I read through a few of your past entries, including a sad post about your psychiatrist and the difficulty affording that. Without being condescending, I’m sorry about that too. Have you also been able to get therapy from this psychiatrist or another therapist? Or do they mainly just prescribe pills. It sounds like you may not be getting the help you need from the system.

    • Thank you for your comment. I was assigned a new psychiatrist recently in hospital so I will continue seeing him. He seems to actually do therapy instead of just giving out pills. I still have to make an appointment to see him and somehow end things with my old psychiatrist.

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