Empty, nothing, no one

As I come off medications I’ve come to realise that I am dull. My head is full of nothing. My body has feelings like anxiety and sickness but my head is empty. This is the truest me I’ve encountered in a long time and I don’t like who I really am.

Was it the meds? Did they steal my personality? Was I always this bland? Where did I go? I feel dead inside but not even that numbness that comes with depression. I don’t feel depressed, I dont feel anything. I am emotionless. 

I’m having to come up with all sorts of ways to disguise how I don’t feel. When the nurses say, “how are you?”, I say, “hello.”

I avoid eye contact so I don’t have to have conversations. I barely talk in group and when I do, I separate myself from what I am saying.

I know I should be honest but I don’t want to get sent somewhere else. Most hospital stays are 21 days, which means I can get out of here in a week and a bit. I don’t want to jeopardise that. Some of my thoughts are truly bizarre and others are really evil. 

Tomorrow I have to see my hospital psychologist and my psychiatrist, which means lots of talking and probably lots of skipping around questions. 

If anyone knows anything about time travel, contact me!


19 thoughts on “Empty, nothing, no one

  1. I hear what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re in a horrible place.
    As I read your post, I thought that not feeling anything sounds a lot like unmedicated depression, as does self-loathing, shrinking away from others, feeling dead inside …a just my two cents’ worth.
    Keep in touch. X

  2. Ha! I’d whisk you out of there in a time machine if I could. Hell, I’d go all the way back to before things in your life got difficult!

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so washed out and dull. Remember, some medications will take a while to get completely out of your system. The numb feeling is likely more do to with the withdrawal of meds than your actual personality.

    I hope the visit with the doc and psychologist goes well. xx

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