As I come off medications I’ve come to realise that I am dull. My head is full of nothing. My body has feelings like anxiety and sickness but my head is empty. This is the truest me I’ve encountered in a long time and I don’t like who I really am.
Was it the meds? Did they steal my personality? Was I always this bland? Where did I go? I feel dead inside but not even that numbness that comes with depression. I don’t feel depressed, I dont feel anything. I am emotionless.
I’m having to come up with all sorts of ways to disguise how I don’t feel. When the nurses say, “how are you?”, I say, “hello.”
I avoid eye contact so I don’t have to have conversations. I barely talk in group and when I do, I separate myself from what I am saying.
I know I should be honest but I don’t want to get sent somewhere else. Most hospital stays are 21 days, which means I can get out of here in a week and a bit. I don’t want to jeopardise that. Some of my thoughts are truly bizarre and others are really evil.
Tomorrow I have to see my hospital psychologist and my psychiatrist, which means lots of talking and probably lots of skipping around questions.
If anyone knows anything about time travel, contact me!