Empty, nothing, no one

As I come off medications I’ve come to realise that I am dull. My head is full of nothing. My body has feelings like anxiety and sickness but my head is empty. This is the truest me I’ve encountered in a long time and I don’t like who I really am.

Was it the meds? Did they steal my personality? Was I always this bland? Where did I go? I feel dead inside but not even that numbness that comes with depression. I don’t feel depressed, I dont feel anything. I am emotionless. 

I’m having to come up with all sorts of ways to disguise how I don’t feel. When the nurses say, “how are you?”, I say, “hello.”

I avoid eye contact so I don’t have to have conversations. I barely talk in group and when I do, I separate myself from what I am saying.

I know I should be honest but I don’t want to get sent somewhere else. Most hospital stays are 21 days, which means I can get out of here in a week and a bit. I don’t want to jeopardise that. Some of my thoughts are truly bizarre and others are really evil. 

Tomorrow I have to see my hospital psychologist and my psychiatrist, which means lots of talking and probably lots of skipping around questions. 

If anyone knows anything about time travel, contact me!

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19 thoughts on “Empty, nothing, no one

  1. I hear what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re in a horrible place.
    As I read your post, I thought that not feeling anything sounds a lot like unmedicated depression, as does self-loathing, shrinking away from others, feeling dead inside …a just my two cents’ worth.
    Keep in touch. X
    *hugs*
    *chocolate*
    *marigolds*

  2. Ha! I’d whisk you out of there in a time machine if I could. Hell, I’d go all the way back to before things in your life got difficult!

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so washed out and dull. Remember, some medications will take a while to get completely out of your system. The numb feeling is likely more do to with the withdrawal of meds than your actual personality.

    I hope the visit with the doc and psychologist goes well. xx

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