Hospital or No!spital?

Sometime in the next couple of weeks I’ll be back in hospital. I don’t want to go but something needs to be done. I’m too stunted. I am not progressing in life. Everything is becoming too hard and I’m losing hope. “What if I just stay here and never do anything or go anywhere?”, I said to my mum the other night. She was sad to hear that, she wants me to lead a happy life, not to be shut away in fear. In order for that to happen, I will have to put myself in a situation which makes me so anxious that my ribs feel like they’re going to rip apart in my chest.

I’ve been making lots of inquiries. Getting into hospital is easy but finding one where I think I will be the least uncomfortable is hard. It shouldn’t be this difficult but it is and there is a lot of pressure on me. If I don’t find and book myself into somewhere soon, my doctor wants to admit me to her hospital. I don’t want to go back there for various reasons but if I refuse and she deems me unsafe or is particularly concerned about my welfare, she has the power to hold me against my will.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I am a control freak. I switch between being practical and crying on the floor. I am not sure why the floor is so appealing when I am upset. I guess it’s got something to do being below eye-level and feeling like I’m in a slightly different world.

So that’s what I’m up to. How do you do?

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14 thoughts on “Hospital or No!spital?

  1. You so brave! And it’s just natural to lie on the floor, well ypu can’t fall, can you. because you’re already lying down. it’s sound like you’re struggling a lot. What’s the worst part for you? Anxiety or something else?
    My week has been rough. A lot of work, a big crises with my boyfriend. I wrote a post were I todl everyone that I’m of wordpress for a couple of weeks, I have to pay more attention to my real life – but I’m back soon.
    i really wish ypu feel better soon. Don’t let the negative or scary thoughts put you down.
    It’s only thoughts.

    • Agh I just typed out a response and accidentally clicked out of it! Thank you for being so caring and kind. Definitely the worst part of everything for me is anxiety. I handle depression much better.
      Sorry to hear about the crisis with your boyfriend. I hope you sort it out. I understand needing to take a break from wordpress, I’ll probably have to too in hospital. Maybe we’ll come back around the same time. 🙂
      All the best to you. I’ll try not to let my thoughts get too out of control and negative, thank you.

  2. Sounds like it’s the best chance you have of feeling better. I hope you can find a place that is okay for you. *offers hugs*
    It’s very hard when you know what you’re looking for, but don’t know where to look.

    Ah the floor, I like it too. I think maybe because it’s solid and I know it’s not likely to go anywhere… But I like your reasons, and though I hadn’t though of it, you’re right, it is kinda like being transported to a different place, but you didn’t really go far.
    Also because then I can roll myself, rocking like a ball. (Which is supposedly a Pilates move, but I don’t care it helps me feel better.)

    I’ve been sorting out paper work, and today taking big gulps of air making up for lost time since I was practically holding my breath all week.
    Oh and righteously raging at our messed up laws too. haha

    • You’re right, it’s nice to be on something solid, the floor kind of hugs you in an uncomfortable kind of way. I like the floor and corners. I like sitting in corners on the floor.
      Hows that paperwork going? I hope you’re breathing better now.
      There’s a place I am probably going into next week. I’m super scared but it’s necessary. It will probably feel more real when it’s confirmed and I know I am definitely going.
      Thank you for your hugs, hugs back to you and all the best. 🙂

      • Hahaha, I just pictured a little you be like “Yesss! I like time out. It has floors and corners.”

        Yeah, things can seem a lot more distant and unreal until you’ve got a time and place set to go.
        When I’m planning something it doesn’t always seem real until I’m actually on the way there.

        Yay hugs! 😀 to you as well, I really hope this works out okay and you can start feeling better soon.

        Oh yeah, the paper work is gonna be a breeze compared to the phone call I had to make this morning. I feel pretty confident that things will work out alright. 🙂

  3. I’m so sorry to hear this! But I’m glad that you are so brave! Because it’s brave to get help. And to go into hospital and do the shitty work that has to be done. I wish I was as brave as you!
    Good luck, and keep being awesome! Because hey, no matter how much everything hurts inside, you’re so awesome on the outside! (That sounded kinda weird, but .. it was supposed to be nice!!)
    Hugs – Marie

    • Thank you, Marie. That didn’t sound weird at all. 🙂
      I don’t feel brave, I feel sort of trapped. I’m still waiting for confirmation, which is really stressful. I should be going on Wednesday but we’ll see. You’re just as brave as me, you were in hospital too. You’re out now, right?
      Hugs back! S&S

      • S&S (Or is there something else I should call you?)! I think you’re brave, even if you don’t feel like that. You’re fighting it! I on the other hand am not brave, because I’m just giving up … I’m still in hospital, sadly, it’s been so LONG! OH MY GOD!
        I LOVE your blog. But everything is fucked up and I don’t really think it exists … If it did exist, it would be one of the things that makes me want to stay, I mean your way with words and YOU and yeah!
        Good job on eating with that other patient, it’s huge, and you know, YOU DID THAT! Jeij you!
        Thousand hugs!
        PS: Maybe this is just sad (like my life is sad, I dunno), but I wish you could be my friend. Sorry.

      • Aw, I’d really like to be your friend. It’s not sad at all. It’s hard for both of us to see our strengths, I don’t see mine, you don’t see your’s. Big hugs to you, hospital hugs and friendship hugs and someone who understands hugs!

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