Sometime in the next couple of weeks I’ll be back in hospital. I don’t want to go but something needs to be done. I’m too stunted. I am not progressing in life. Everything is becoming too hard and I’m losing hope. “What if I just stay here and never do anything or go anywhere?”, I said to my mum the other night. She was sad to hear that, she wants me to lead a happy life, not to be shut away in fear. In order for that to happen, I will have to put myself in a situation which makes me so anxious that my ribs feel like they’re going to rip apart in my chest.
I’ve been making lots of inquiries. Getting into hospital is easy but finding one where I think I will be the least uncomfortable is hard. It shouldn’t be this difficult but it is and there is a lot of pressure on me. If I don’t find and book myself into somewhere soon, my doctor wants to admit me to her hospital. I don’t want to go back there for various reasons but if I refuse and she deems me unsafe or is particularly concerned about my welfare, she has the power to hold me against my will.
I’m getting ahead of myself. I am a control freak. I switch between being practical and crying on the floor. I am not sure why the floor is so appealing when I am upset. I guess it’s got something to do being below eye-level and feeling like I’m in a slightly different world.
So that’s what I’m up to. How do you do?