-This post is about self-harm and may be triggering-
I feel exhausted today and if it were any other day, I would have been back in bed as soon as I was able to realise that I’ll never properly wake up. I have to see my doctor today though and I need prescriptions for the pills she’s got me hooked on.
Tiredness does not mix well with an already unstable mood. I am irritable, weepy and full of self-hate. I am angry with myself because I don’t feel well. I’m worried that I am really ill when in reality, I am probably feeling this way because I can’t eat and I have been sleeping poorly.
Being tired doesn’t drain me of nervous energy. Instead it somehow amplifies my anxiety and makes me more grouchy because I must not be still but I don’t have the energy to keep this up.
I was in my kitchen earlier and I could smell the bread sitting on my counter. I felt like I was going to throw up so I threw it in the bin and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t throw up but I noticed a razor in one of my open drawers and I pulled it out.
I cut myself because I am tired. That’s a terrible reason to self-harm.
I also cut myself because sometimes I freak out and worry that if I don’t obey the urges that pop into my head, something terrible will happen. So hey, I cut myself for everyone I care about. I have your back. I love you.