Not Ghostbusters, that’s for sure. They’d probably try to vacuum me up with their ghost sucker.
Dear Mental Health Team who abandoned me,
Yes, I am sticking with abandonment. It felt like that at the time and it still does months later. I understand that you don’t have the
money resources to help everyone. I also understand that you had to step back from my case after someone pointed out that I have private health insurance and therefore assumed I could afford private psychological care even though I am on disability payments being so intensely involved for a while but did you have to close my file? It’s not like I made a miraculous recovery and told you I didn’t need help anymore. You guys should understand better than anyone that people with mental illnesses can go from moderate to fine to extreme (in either direction) very suddenly and that sometimes we’re not the best at recognising our moods until we’re too far into them. You should also know that telling someone you’re closing their file makes them feel unwanted and not worthy of existence your assistance.
My file has been closed for a while now. It makes the paperwork easier on your end. I understand the logistics of all of this but I wish that instead of calling every couple of days back then, you’d left my file open so I could call you if I ever needed to now and not have to worry about the person on the other end having no idea who I am. Where is my file anyway? Is it locked away in a cabinet? Has it been destroyed? If I needed acute care, would someone be able to access it or would I have to start from scratch?
Who am I going to call? You said I could still call you but that would mean that whoever I spoke to would have no idea of my history (because of the closed file). I don’t have a caseworker anymore. I am a stranger again. Do you know how hard it is to tell your scariest thoughts to someone and to build up some trust in them? I told you I would absolutely never call or rely on you again because it was easier to be angry than to admit how hurt I was.
Telling me to get a private psychologist hasn’t worked out so well but even if I had found a good psychologist, they aren’t always there. Who do I call when I get that floaty feeling and rationality slips away? Who do I call when I really
want need to hurt myself? I can’t call my family because I don’t want to start the worry chain. I can’t call my friends because, well, I don’t really ever call my friends anymore. I can’t text them either because we don’t talk about my self-harm. I can’t call lifeline because it’s not a suicidal matter.
Telling me, “I know you’ll be okay” was more about you than it was about me. You wanted to reassure yourself that leaving me on my own wasn’t a big deal but it was a big deal and it still is.
So who am I going to call? No one. Thanks.