Who You Gonna Call?

Not Ghostbusters, that’s for sure. They’d probably try to vacuum me up with their ghost sucker.

Dear Mental Health Team who abandoned me,

Yes, I am sticking with abandonment. It felt like that at the time and it still does months later. I understand that you don’t have the money resources to help everyone. I also understand that you had to step back from my case after someone pointed out that I have private health insurance and therefore assumed I could afford private psychological care even though I am on disability payments being so intensely involved for a while but did you have to close my file? It’s not like I made a miraculous recovery and told you I didn’t need help anymore. You guys should understand better than anyone that people with mental illnesses can go from moderate to fine to extreme (in either direction) very suddenly and that sometimes we’re not the best at recognising our moods until we’re too far into them. You should also know that telling someone you’re closing their file makes them feel unwanted and not worthy of existence your assistance.

My file has been closed for a while now. It makes the paperwork easier on your end. I understand the logistics of all of this but I wish that instead of calling every couple of days back then, you’d left my file open so I could call you if I ever needed to now and not have to worry about the person on the other end having no idea who I am. Where is my file anyway? Is it locked away in a cabinet? Has it been destroyed? If I needed acute care, would someone be able to access it or would I have to start from scratch?

Who am I going to call? You said I could still call you but that would mean that whoever I spoke to would have no idea of my history (because of the closed file). I don’t have a caseworker anymore. I am a stranger again. Do you know how hard it is to tell your scariest thoughts to someone and to build up some trust in them? I told you I would absolutely never call or rely on you again because it was easier to be angry than to admit how hurt I was.

Telling me to get a private psychologist hasn’t worked out so well but even if I had found a good psychologist, they aren’t always there. Who do I call when I get that floaty feeling and rationality slips away? Who do I call when I really want need to hurt myself? I can’t call my family because I don’t want to start the worry chain. I can’t call my friends because, well, I don’t really ever call my friends anymore. I can’t text them either because we don’t talk about my self-harm. I can’t call lifeline because it’s not a suicidal matter. 

Telling me, “I know you’ll be okay” was more about you than it was about me. You wanted to reassure yourself that leaving me on my own wasn’t a big deal but it was a big deal and it still is.

So who am I going to call? No one. Thanks.





18 thoughts on “Who You Gonna Call?

  1. Is it still closed? Sometimes you can be surprised if you push a bit. I know, what do I know a way over here. Maybe though, if you ask, someone could open it and offer some help. You can lash out at me also, I can take it.

  2. Oh gawd, what a stupid world we live in. My heart goes out to you.
    The only suggestion I can offer (and maybe you don’t want suggestions, if not, I apologize) is to keep trying: sometimes simply getting a different person on the phone will lead to a different outcome. I know it oughtn’t, but sometimes it does.
    In the meantime … you can call us, your supportive WordPress community! We’re here for you. XX

  3. That’s a facepalm and a half.
    Some very good points, and frankly I wish government health services (the world over I might add) would own up to the fact that this is clearly a mistake.
    People with mental health disorders need services to be available to them, and as many damn services as possible!

    I’m sorry. If I were mini-tyrant dictator of the world, (which I wouldn’t be very good at, but is sometimes nice to imagine.) I would damn-well fix this.
    Because it’s actually easy to fix, all they have to do is make sure that a little bit of paperwork is accessible, often electronic paperwork at that, how hard is that? It takes bytes at most of storage, and almost no energy. (definitely watts not joules.)
    I shall be mad on your behalf. 😡 ((And listen if you need an ear))

    *offers e-hugs if wanted*

  4. Do you have the Samaritans crisis/suicide helpline in your area? The samaritans in my area provides free counselling. I haven’t tried it myself, but I’ve written emails and called them once. They were supportive and empathetic. Other than that, I’ve received a lot of help from online support groups. I’m thinking of discontinuing my private therapy sessions, because the price is too high for me..

    • I don’t know if we have the Samaritans. we have suicide lines and the mental health team that abandoned me is also a crisis centre. It seems if you’re not in need of acute care, there isn’t much available. I don’t even know if the mental health team would be there for me if I needed acute care.
      It sucks that therapy is so expensive. Preventative care should be more accessible for everyone. Thanks for your comment, I will google free counseling.

  5. I know exactly how you feel and it is a horrible feeling. I have gone through the same situation and it is unbelievable how unsupportive the very people who are supposed to be supporting you! Anyways I hope that things get better for you.

  6. 😦 Keep writing all these thoughts out. You are so articulate and your writings carry such emotional force… I’m so sorry you feel abandoned by your team. Having your foundation shaken like that is not something that is easily forgotten.

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