I woke up sick this morning. Not sick like having the flu or a legitimate illness. Not sick because my cat might have licked my cutlery (she hasn’t). Not sick from food or water contamination (one of my biggest fears). It was just my regular- I’m anxious so I feel sick and feeling sick makes me anxious type of sickness.
It wasn’t a good start to the day. I couldn’t eat but I really wanted to go to an outpatient group. Actually, to be truthful, I wasn’t really looking forward to group at all, I was planning to leave at lunchtime to meet up with my hospital friend. She doesn’t have many friends (neither do I) and I told her last week that I would visit her and we could walk down to the shops together. I didn’t want to let her down so that’s what stopped me from crawling back into bed.
I decided to see how the day went and I knew that if I absolutely needed to leave, I could always hop into a taxi or get a train home. I spent a good part of the morning wondering how I would get on the train to group with my high anxiety. What if it broke down? What if too many people were there? What if I needed to throw up? I took my morning meds, two ibuprofens, two valiums and two xanaxs and waited for them to make me feel a bit better.
It worked. I got on the train. I stood by the door in case I had to race off the train at any of the stations on the way. I held onto the gross handrail (I had my hand sanitiser ready to deal with that) until my knuckles were red and white. I held it as hard as I could as a distraction from how I was feeling. I got to where I needed to go and I started walking. Then the tears came. They weren’t big meltdown tears but tears of frustration and fear. I was still afraid, I still didn’t want to go to group. I sat down for a few minutes to try to breathe.
When I got to the outpatient centre, my nerves had settled a little bit so I sat outside for a while smoking. When it was time to go in, I walked slowly, my meds were definitely kicking in by then. We did our usual check in and something I said lead to someone saying something really offensive (not to me but just in general) and there was a huge group fight. Our psychologist had to calm everyone down. I can’t go into details but I felt terrible because I was the one who started the conversation. It wasn’t controversial or anything, but someone decided (I think unintentionally) to pick out a way to offend someone else and they were yelling at each other. I kept pretty quiet after that.
I took another Xanax at morning tea. Xanax and Valium really help me forget that I feel sick. I took far more medication than I usually do by that time of the day but I didn’t care. We did more group stuff until 12pm when I left and everyone else did whatever they wanted to do.
I met up with my friend. She ate a burger, I picked at a bread roll. Then we did a little bit of shopping and I got a really pretty skirt and some tops because apparently I think I have a disposable income (I don’t!). I justified it by saying that I would have spent a fair bit if I had decided to get a taxi home.
So this is a freaking boring post, sorry.