So you drugged the crap out of yourself, have a skirt.

I woke up sick this morning. Not sick like having the flu or a legitimate illness. Not sick because my cat might have licked my cutlery (she hasn’t). Not sick from food or water contamination (one of my biggest fears). It was just my regular- I’m anxious so I feel sick and feeling sick makes me anxious type of sickness.

It wasn’t a good start to the day. I couldn’t eat but I really wanted to go to an outpatient group. Actually, to be truthful, I wasn’t really looking forward to group at all, I was planning to leave at lunchtime to meet up with my hospital friend. She doesn’t have many friends (neither do I) and I told her last week that I would visit her and we could walk down to the shops together. I didn’t want to let her down so that’s what stopped me from crawling back into bed.

I decided to see how the day went and I knew that if I absolutely needed to leave, I could always hop into a taxi or get a train home. I spent a good part of the morning wondering how I would get on the train to group with my high anxiety. What if it broke down? What if too many people were there? What if I needed to throw up? I took my morning meds, two ibuprofens, two valiums and two xanaxs and waited for them to make me feel a bit better.

It worked. I got on the train. I stood by the door in case I had to race off the train at any of the stations on the way. I held onto the gross handrail (I had my hand sanitiser ready to deal with that) until my knuckles were red and white. I held it as hard as I could as a distraction from how I was feeling. I got to where I needed to go and I started walking. Then the tears came. They weren’t big meltdown tears but tears of frustration and fear. I was still afraid, I still didn’t want to go to group. I sat down for a few minutes to try to breathe.

When I got to the outpatient centre, my nerves had settled a little bit so I sat outside for a while smoking. When it was time to go in, I walked slowly, my meds were definitely kicking in by then. We did our usual check in and something I said lead to someone saying something really offensive (not to me but just in general) and there was a huge group fight. Our psychologist had to calm everyone down. I can’t go into details but I felt terrible because I was the one who started the conversation. It wasn’t controversial or anything, but someone decided (I think unintentionally) to pick out a way to offend someone else and they were yelling at each other. I kept pretty quiet after that.

I took another Xanax at morning tea. Xanax and Valium really help me forget that I feel sick. I took far more medication than I usually do by that time of the day but I didn’t care. We did more group stuff until 12pm when I left and everyone else did whatever they wanted to do.

I met up with my friend. She ate a burger, I picked at a bread roll. Then we did a little bit of shopping and I got a really pretty skirt and some tops because apparently I think I have a disposable income (I don’t!). I justified it by saying that I would have spent a fair bit if I had decided to get a taxi home.

So this is a freaking boring post, sorry.

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26 thoughts on “So you drugged the crap out of yourself, have a skirt.

  1. I’ve been offered a place in an outpatient group but don’t know whether to take it up or not. The outpatient unit at the hospital seems terribly disorganized, so I don’t know whether I can trust them to run the group well; I know in theory the administration of a group is separate to the content/running of the group, but at this hospital the same people do both, and they’ve been useless, so I’m pretty conflicted.
    BTW you must have a great tolerance for benzos! I’m so pleased they work for you, but if I’d taken that much valium and xanax, I reckon I would’ve fallen asleep on the train 🙂 I used to use xanax more often but these days, I’m finding that even one xanax makes me sleepy. But then, I’ve been super sleepy lately.
    Anyway, I’m glad you were able to catch up with your friend.
    Be well.

    • Thanks, it’s actually one of my worries that I am building up a tolerance to benzos and at the same time, trying to reduce my intake… Ugh!
      I’d say give the outpatient group a go. I’ve been to many and some of the leaders have been great while others were shitty but the one thing that seems to stay the same is the other people are usually really kind and supportive. There’s a real, “We’re all in this together” sort of vibe going on. If you go and the group is terrible, you don’t have to go back. People drop out all of the time.

      • I was in one group for a whole year but at that time I was in and out of hospital and so were other patients. Some people just left altogether. As long as you don’t miss too much content, they usually let you come back if you want to. I was also in another group where everyone except me left after a few weeks so that was the end of that! Haha!

  2. My friend.. You truly suffer from the What if’s… When will you not.. I know you have it in you to like in the moment. I am on the train…. I am at work… I am… The what if’s never happen

      • How so my friend.. The what if’s don’t seem to offer you much peace. I want the best for you and nothing less.

      • Then that is perfect for you! What ever makes you happy. I let things happen.. There is no right answer or path..

      • Please be so careful with Xanax.. Those benzodiazepines can be so addictive and are super hard to get off of… You are truly a nice soul and I think you can overcome this illness.

      • Thank you so, so much. I believe in healing white lights. Once in hospital I was having nightmares every night and one of the nurses told me to imagine a white light around me when I was going to sleep. It really helped.
        Sometimes I imagine a ring of fire around me too, to try to keep people away from me!

      • White healing light is a fact… As they say, “Just because they don’t believe it doesn’t make it not true.” You will heal. You need to find the root cause of this illness. Be good to yourself:)

  3. I think you’re a hero for going outside ypur house today. Be proud for every step ypu took. It doesn’t matter if it was by the help of meds or if you walkede or where your mind was. You did it. And its freaking hard to do when you feel like you did.

    • Thank you. I always feel like such a cheater when I take so much medication, particularly when I am trying to get off it. It was so hard to get there anyway, even with the medication so I guess I sort of did well. I still find it pretty hard to acknowledge that though.

      • I understand that it’s hard to acknowledge.. But you did extremely well.
        Hope you get a nice weekend

  4. Because you continue to force yourself out it is helping. when you stop and stay in the anxiety will tell you to stay there… And you will listen. Keep going out.

    I wish your psychologist could work on some CBT with you, even go out with you. That takes a different therapist, but it can move you along so much. (wonder how I know this) 😉

    I know you want to taper off the benzos, It is so hard though.Anxiety can be so frustrating it is calling for more.

    • I need to keep going to places I can drive to because if I take public transport or get a lift with someone, I take benzos. This is hard though because I have driving anxiety. I don’t like going too far out of my comfort zone.
      I need a new therapist, probably a new psychiatrist (she’s kinda crap but I am so attached to her), less medication, no medication or a different medication and more support from somewhere, but there’s nowhere really to get support. If I drop my private health insurance the mental health team will support me but I wont be able to go to the groups that I go to and if I end up needing hospital, it will mean a public psychiatric hospital (nope, nope, nope!). If I keep my private health insurance I have to find my own psychologist, one who is willing to do ATAPS and let the local medicare pay for my appointments. I need to find one who isn’t completely shit or a space cadet. Where are they? How do I find out how capable they are before committing to applying for ATAPS six sessions? Eeps, sorry, I always go on and on about this.

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