Let’s just skip some space in case words show up in someone’s reader and they don’t want to see them.
Enough? Maybe not.
Ok, that’s probably plenty of space.
Lately I’ve been self-harming quite a bit. I can’t really explain why. It just helps in a way that only other self-harmers can probably relate to. I feel like I am a kid again though. I’m cutting/scratching/burning myself in the least obvious ways and I am not doing anything too deeply or seriously.
There are two reasons for this: 1. I don’t want medical attention and the psych evaluation/possible hospitalisation that goes with it.
2. I want to protect those who care about me.
I feel like a liar and it’s crazy because I sort of want someone to find out.These days I generally harm my thighs because no one usually sees them but lately I’ve been making the tiniest cuts on my arms, cuts which could sort of pass for cat scratches or an encounter with a tree. I want people to see beyond my excuses. I want my family to see what I cannot tell them.
That makes no sense. I want to protect my loved ones but I want them to be aware of what I am doing. I want them to know that what they see is the tip of the iceberg. What they can’t see is even worse. If they confronted me though, I don’t know what I would say. I’d probably blame my poor cat.
I have the most violent images towards myself and I really want to act them out but I don’t want to be left with having to come up with an unexplainable explanation. Tiny forms of self-harm don’t cut it though. This is where it began, not where it will end.
As I aged, my self-harming became much worse and then for a while it sort of slipped back to less extreme. I’ve had too many stitches and too many conversations about what I’ve done. I know everyone is thinking, “Not again.” when I do something really bad so I keep my bad habits hidden.
So why now? Why do I want someone to notice? I’ve never wanted anyone to notice before. Even when I was a kid and a teenager. It was always my secret (until a psychologist had to report it) I covered it so well until it was found out. Then I was just angry and didn’t care.