Notice but don’t say or do anything. (Triggering)

Let’s just skip some space in case words show up in someone’s reader and they don’t want to see them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enough? Maybe not.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, that’s probably plenty of space.

Lately I’ve been self-harming quite a bit. I can’t really explain why. It just helps in a way that only other self-harmers can probably relate to. I feel like I am a kid again though. I’m cutting/scratching/burning myself in the least obvious ways and I am not doing anything too deeply or seriously.

There are two reasons for this: 1. I don’t want medical attention and the psych evaluation/possible hospitalisation that goes with it.

                                                  2. I want to protect those who care about me.

I feel like a liar and it’s crazy because I sort of want someone to find out.These days I generally harm my thighs because no one usually sees them but lately I’ve been making the tiniest cuts on my arms, cuts which could sort of pass for cat scratches or an encounter with a tree. I want people to see beyond my excuses. I want my family to see what I cannot tell them.

That makes no sense. I want to protect my loved ones but I want them to be aware of what I am doing. I want them to know that what they see is the tip of the iceberg. What they can’t see is even worse. If they confronted me though, I don’t know what I would say. I’d probably blame my poor cat.

I have the most violent images towards myself and I really want to act them out but I don’t want to be left with having to come up with an unexplainable explanation. Tiny forms of self-harm don’t cut it though. This is where it began, not where it will end.

As I aged, my self-harming became much worse and then for a while it sort of slipped back to less extreme. I’ve had too many stitches and too many conversations about what I’ve done. I know everyone is thinking, “Not again.” when I do something really bad so I keep my bad habits hidden.

So why now? Why do I want someone to notice? I’ve never wanted anyone to notice before. Even when I was a kid and a teenager. It was always my secret (until a psychologist had to report it) I covered it so well until it was found out. Then I was just angry and didn’t care.

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21 thoughts on “Notice but don’t say or do anything. (Triggering)

  1. Sounds like you want to be “found out” so you can receive help to me (not that I know you or anything, but this is the feeling I get). I’d see this as a truly positive step!

  2. I had a feeling double S. You have been in a bit of turmoil and this is a part of your coping mechanism. When it is not hidden though, you are reaching out. You have realized this too, which is great, can I ask you to reach with words too? To your family, Don’t wait to see if they notice, point the “scratches” out, to start the conversation. It doesn’t mean a trip to the hospital. More it means you will not fight alone. Family is your support network, tis a very important thing. The more they know and understand, the more they can support. I am in that number 2 section too Double S.

    super big hugs

    I am here too, I know it is far away, but email shortens that distance.

    • Hi Amber,
      I understand what you’re saying but I am conflicted because my family has its own worries and I don’t need to add to them. They know life is hard for me but if I actually pointed out S.H, they would be so upset. They already think I need to go back into hospital due to my anxiety/meds situation. If S.H became too obvious that would just give them another reason. I want them to support me but I don’t want them to know what they are supporting. I want them to notice my tiny S.H and wonder but not ask.
      It sounds terrible but if I really wanted to get them to notice then I would do something much bigger. In a way, I feel more ashamed about these small forms of S.H, it’s like I am not even trying.
      Ugh, I am getting too old for this sort of behaviour. I don’t really know what I want but I really appreciate your comment and support. *super big hugs back*.

      • I will respond more in depth, probably in an email. But I ask this. If it were your brother with scratches. What would be your response. And…. would you wish him to be open with you?

      • I would feel so sad for him and I would want to help him. I would want him to be open with me. I have not spent my life living with worries about my brother though. I have not seen him get taken away by ambulances repeatedly. If my S.H was a new thing, it would be shocking to my brother but he wouldn’t have to remember everything that went along with it.

      • yes, tis true. Perhaps though they know more than you think and worry with not knowing everything? tis complicated I know.

        The worry part though, it is the first part of the helping part. Fighting alone is very hard. Maybe they have asked and you have deflected, they want to help but see a wall building.

        Double S I am not nagging or pushing, Support networks though are important and often easily there, if you can let go a bit and fall into their arms.

        Hugggggs

      • I know you’re not nagging or pushing, I really value your support and opinions. It is complicated because if like you said, maybe they know more than I think, I would prefer they bring things up with me, not the other way around. I kind of doubt that they know more than I think though.When I’ve ended up in bad situations my mum has often said that she had no idea things were so bad for me. Even when I lived with my family I was very good at hiding things.

      • So this is something that I see a lot of. The hiding to protect loved ones. All admit if it were reversed they would want to know and would help…. yet to protect. .. hide. This is the stigma I want to squash as it is the most damaging. Double S. Write help on your arm. With a pen please. Let them notice.

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