This is the conversation I had in my head this morning when I was trying to decide whether or not to go to an outpatient group.
Me 1: Go to group, you haven’t been in ages. It will be good for you.
Me 2: I feel like I am going to throw up!
Me 1: Well you’re out of bed, you may as well see how you feel as you get ready.
Me 2: I’m so tired. Maybe I should skip it.
Me 1: Don’t go back to sleep! You’ll be fine once you take some Valium/Xanax.
Me 2: I thought I was supposed to be taking those less often. Feeling sick will make me take more than I need.
Me 1: That’s okay. Just get ready.
So I got ready. I took 2 Valiums, 1 Xanax and then another Xanax. I made it to group. I didn’t throw up I felt much better with the sedatives in me. At morning tea I sat outside under some shade, smoked and took another 1/2 Xanax. I left at lunchtime to meet an old hospital friend who is back in hospital. I feel bad for her because her life isn’t easy.
I visited her because:
- Once we were in there together and helped cheer each other up.
- She visited me when I was in hospital alone.
- I knew it would cheer her up.
- I was there anyway.
- Even though I don’t entirely understand her illness, we have more in common than not.
- I needed cheering up too.
- I’d already taken plenty of sedatives.
- Even though we aren’t that close, she often refers to me as her best friend.
- It was her first time out of hospital grounds.
- I wanted to make her feel less alone.
- I’m trying to be a better friend and even when I push her away, she still keeps in contact.
- I needed to be the helper, not the one who needs help.
- She is uniquely interesting.
- I know how lonely hospital can be.
- We could reminisce and make each other laugh.
- Despite feeling unwell, I could do it.
- I got to go home after we met and she’s stuck there. I know that feeling too well.
- If it is my turn next, I know she will do the same for me.