Cremate Me

I’m too embarrassed to leave my apartment today. In the building behind me there is the fighting couple. In one of the apartments above me is the couple who listens to weird music very loudly. Across the road is angry lady and I am ScreamsInHerSleep. Why can’t I just be WeirdCatLady? Why do I have to be known for something I have no control over?

Last night was particularly bad. I hate how paralysed/half asleep me does not care about how much noise I make when I am terrified. I scream until I can get out of sleep paralysis and then I cry and scream some more as I fall back into it. I feel like no one exists in those moments so it’s okay to scream into the night. It isn’t.

This is why I will get cremated when I die. I hate the disconnection between my body and soul. I hate not being able to animate myself. I don’t ever want my soul to be lying within rotting flesh. I’d rather it see that I am just a pile of ash and fly away somewhere else.

My dream tormentors told me they will be back. I don’t want to sleep anymore.

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13 thoughts on “Cremate Me

  1. Your dream tormentors said they would be back…. are the nightmares often of the same theme? I think I have asked that before. I am sorry you are having so much sleep paralysis Double S. It is a terrible feeling. It sounds like you are having night terrors that wake you when in REM. Do you remember the nightmare when you wake?

    • I usually remember my nightmares and dreams or at least most of them. People/evil things tormenting and torturing me is common in paralysis type dreams.Sometimes I try to make myself get up and write about my nightmares to get them out of my head. That isn’t easy though because I think you’re right, I am waking when in REM and can’t move or get up. That’s when the screams start. It’s so humiliating. My neighbours look like they are scared of me. Like I do Satanic rituals or something at night. All I really want is for someone to shake me and slap me so I can fully wake up.

      • As we talked about before, your meds can cause the sleep paralysis. They are also used to treat it in some cases, just to complicate things.

        During REM sleep the body is paralyzed, the key is not to wake then. I wonder if you are having night terrors that rock you awake only to find you wake too quickly and are still frozen. If the dreams are linked to something that is tormenting you, perhaps addressing that can cause the terrors to fade and then you can sleep without waking. This is why I asked if the dreams are of the same theme and possibly the minds way of releasing something.

        The normal response to waking quickly when paralyzed is the feeling you are being held down, smothered even molested. Screaming is a natural response. It is hard to convince your self, at that stage of sleep, that things are ok, as dream reality is mixed with reality, so nothing truly makes sense until you are wide awake and your heart is pounding as you gasp for breath.

        What wakes you may be key in solving this, I am thinking it is either the medications or something in your mind that is looking for release. You hinted about this a while ago. I am not prying either, just hoping to sort things out for you. Being able to remember the “dream” is often a step, as with normal night terrors you do not.

        feeling better now? waking like that can have a lasting feeling.

        *hugs*

      • I’m feeling a bit better now. Last night I dreamt I was trying on formal dresses, which was a nice break from some of my other dreams but I didn’t like the red and green dress I was wearing, “I look like Christmas!”
        I might play around with my meds in a week or so when my Grandma has gone back home and I don’t have to pretend to be okay.

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