“You’ve been taking less Valium and Xanax.” She says as she reads through my mood diary.
“Yeah, well I haven’t really been going anywhere. I haven’t been to groups or many appointments. I am so tired at the moment anyway so I have only taken one Xanax and one Valium today.” It takes me a lot of effort to get that out.
I show her a list of how I have been feeling lately and she staples it to her notes. I guess I don’t need it. She didn’t even ask.
“I don’t want to do anything at all. I am just so exhausted. I just sit around all day because there’s nowhere I want to be.” I add.
“It’s good that you’ve been taking less Valium and Xanax.” She says encouragingly.
“Sometimes I feel like I am being shaken from the inside and then I fall out of my body and mind briefly. I’m really dizzy.” I tell her.
She asks if I have any plans for the year and I say no. I tell her I don’t want to do anything. She starts telling me about a jewellery making course she knows of.
“I already know how to make jewellery. Anyway, can I do that course from home?” I ask.
She tells me I can’t and I tell her that I wont be doing it then. I couldn’t care less about making jewellery or anything else right now.
“Am I feeling this shitty because I am taking less Valium and Xanax?” I say.
“Yes, quite possibly.” She answers. I ask if I am in some sort of withdrawal and she thinks I could be.
Well fuck. What a dilemma. What a vicious circle. I don’t want to do anything because I feel like crap and if I start doing more things, I will be taking more Valium and Xanax to get through them. Taking them isn’t good for me. Not taking them makes me want to cease existing. I am sick of counting down the hours of the day so I can finally take my night meds, mellow out a bit and go to sleep.
“Do you need any prescriptions?” She asks.
I forgot to check. I have no idea. I get teary-eyed and tell her, “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I was supposed to check.”
She tells me that I can let her know if I need any before I see her next.
I go out to pay the bill. $220. They put it though to medicare and I get $113 back. I am $107 out of pocket. “Oh my god, crap.” I look the the receptionist and start to cry a little. It’s a new year and I haven’t reached the medicare threshold for poor people yet. I used to get back $202. “I don’t think I will come back.” I say to the receptionist. She looks a bit shocked and says, “It’s important for your health.” I tell her I know but it’s just so expensive until I reach that threshold. She agrees, tells me to take care and to have a nice afternoon. I tell her to do the same.
I walk out of there and start swearing under my breath. I can’t help it. I have to let the bad words out. My walk back to the train station seems to take forever. My body aches. I move slowly. I get totally spooked when a car beeps it’s horn. I try to ignore it but it happens again and again so I turn my head and two girls wave at me. I have no idea who they are. I get a little angry. I assume they’re just doing it for laughs so I don’t wave back.