2014 is blank and that’s scary. It’s now the 2nd of January and I haven’t left my apartment since the afternoon on New Year’s Eve. I haven’t spoken to anyone since…I’m not sure, a few days before the end of the year apart from saying, “Who knows?” to the man at the tobacco shop when he asked if I am going on holidays. (I’m not.)
I’ve sent a few texts just to prove to my family that I am alive. I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like there is nothing to do. I could go to the gym but I can’t be bothered and I am scared that it will be really busy because people like to start the year with good intentions. I could go for a walk but that involves getting out of my “house clothes” (a fancy term for boxer shorts and a t-shirt). I could watch a movie but I don’t know what to watch. I know it’s bad for me to sit around and worse for me to be bored but I just don’t know what to do.
I have no plans for this year. I feel sick. I’m scared to go anywhere in case I feel sick. I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway. I don’t have anyone. My family is away. My only friend and her partner both have time off work and are probably doing family stuff. I feel sad because I wanted to try to test my “lucky” compulsions and rituals with the idea that maybe they would be bad luck in 2014 but I can’t stop them. Whatever they do or don’t do doesn’t matter as much as the relief when they are done. Maybe it’s bad luck to challenge good luck? I over-think this sort of stuff.
I think NYE made me too aware of how lonely I am. I can’t be around people but I feel lonely. I HATE being around people but I need them to be around. Maybe I don’t hate being around people as much as I say I do. I just hate the anxiety that goes along with it. Why do I have to carry that around with me? Why can’t I be rewarded for making an effort?
Having nothing to do is dangerous. My mind goes into a dark place and everything becomes irritating. This post is irritating.