Nothing To Do

2014 is blank and that’s scary. It’s now the 2nd of January and I haven’t left my apartment since the afternoon on New Year’s Eve. I haven’t spoken to anyone since…I’m not sure, a few days before the end of the year apart from saying, “Who knows?” to the man at the tobacco shop when he asked if I am going on holidays. (I’m not.)

I’ve sent a few texts just to prove to my family that I am alive. I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like there is nothing to do. I could go to the gym but I can’t be bothered and I am scared that it will be really busy because people like to start the year with good intentions. I could go for a walk but that involves getting out of my “house clothes” (a fancy term for boxer shorts and a t-shirt). I could watch a movie but I don’t know what to watch. I know it’s bad for me to sit around and worse for me to be bored but I just don’t know what to do.

I have no plans for this year. I feel sick. I’m scared to go anywhere in case I feel sick. I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway. I don’t have anyone. My family is away. My only friend and her partner both have time off work and are probably doing family stuff. I feel sad because I wanted to try to test my “lucky” compulsions and rituals with the idea that maybe they would be bad luck in 2014 but I can’t stop them. Whatever they do or don’t do doesn’t matter as much as the relief when they are done. Maybe it’s bad luck to challenge good luck? I over-think this sort of stuff.

I think NYE made me too aware of how lonely I am. I can’t be around people but I feel lonely. I HATE being around people but I need them to be around. Maybe I don’t hate being around people as much as I say I do. I just hate the anxiety that goes along with it. Why do I have to carry that around with me? Why can’t I be rewarded for making an effort?

Having nothing to do is dangerous. My mind goes into a dark place and everything becomes irritating. This post is irritating.

S&S

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28 thoughts on “Nothing To Do

  1. Anxiety is a cruel and horrible thing. I can relate and despite my picture posts my festivities werent all that. I spent Christmas day and boxing day alone. Sending my SO to family parties alone. The only reason I could hace the moments I did is because I was at home abd didn’t have to go out.
    I’ve realised thia xmas that its just a bad time of year for me. As it is for many.
    Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes knowing its new year and seeing everyone making goals for them selves makes us think we arent doing enough. And maybe to some we aren’t but I know that in low points even bothering to get out of bed is something. If you need to stay in your “house clothes” thats no bad thing. It’s okay to do nothing!
    Being alone doing nothing sucks, but remember that whilst it seems harsh now ot won’t always be this way. Some day something has to change. No road can keep going in the same direction. There are always turns in different directions. This is just a long stretch.
    I hope in 2014 you can have a little relief from anxiety and realise that what at first seems alien and horrible can be a real comfort and nice things to have. Having good people around you is a blessing. It will come eventually.
    X happy new year ! It will be, you can make it that way. If you don’t think it’s good it wont be x

    • Thank you for your reply. You’re right, bothering to get out of bed is a big thing, I just wish the rest of the world would recognise that. I hope I get through this part of the road quickly.
      It sounds like you had a good balance of social and alone time. I hope the new year is a great one for you. All the best!

  2. Well you’re talking to us and we’re somebodies. There’s too much pressure on people to have plans and goals – just go with the flow. If you feel lonely maybe reach out to your family more often, they can probably deal with your anxiety better than you think they can.

    • You guys are more than somebodies! I try to go with the flow but the flow kind of leads me nowhere. I need more structure to my days I think but I am pretty lazy at the moment.
      I spoke to my mum yesterday and the conversation annoyed me because she was like, “What have you been up to?” and when I told her “Nothing”, she started coming up with things I could do. I snapped at her! She asked if I want to go and see them today, when they get home and I said I will let her know. I probably will.

  3. I hear you loud and clear when you say “Maybe I don’t hate being around people as much as I say I do.” I also feel caged in when I *have* to see people at times but, when I am home alone and my mind starts to spin, people are exactly what I reach for first. I feel like I want silence and rest but the absence of other people makes me feel the endless space between me and the rest of the world.

    Not the most helpful comment, I know, but…you’re not alone in feeling as you do. Here’s to the hope of a much happier 2014!

  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I don’t have a helpful suggestion but I am listening (reading). I hope good things are coming towards you – I once heard someone say “leave the door open so good things can enter”

  5. I hear you. I understand you. There are people out there who would benefit from meeting you face to face. Find them and both your lives will be more enriched. Find people less privileged, more needy, less anxious and more positive to be around who can inspire you thru 2014! All the best!!

      • Sometimes places outside your city or country where people have less material possessions than most. But also just around the corner… Usually areas where volunteers are needed like shelters, hospitals, group homes, schools, community centres, charities, churches, non- profit organizations that help the blind, physically or medically challenged, mental health organizations, seniors homes, country clubs, sports clubs, or just next door. We often don’t even know our neighbours… These are just some ideas…

      • Thats ok if not today… Contemplation is one of the first steps to change. One day it will be easier to be around people if you keep hoping for it and working at it. Perhaps start with a group for others with anxiety. And when you do get out there, don’t see it as “volunteering” … See it as voluntarily changing Your life.

  6. ” I feel sick. I’m scared to go anywhere in case I feel sick”
    I can’t count the amount of times I have felt exactly like this. I really hope you’re ok.

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