I am raging today. I guess you could say that I am mad at myself and directing my anger towards others but there’s no one around so all of this rage is stabbing holes in my mind.
I want to go back to my old psychologist only to pretend that I am sorry and give her a moment of feeling like less of a fuck up. Then I want to yell and storm out of her office all over again. I am mean. I don’t know why I still feel so much anger towards her, I haven’t seen her since May or April, I can’t even remember!
I think that punching something wouldn’t help and neither would going for a walk. I need to spit my horrible words out. I wish I lived somewhere remote so I could scream and swear until I had no voice left.
I am mad at my current psychologist for offering me a freaking lollipop when I told her I was feeling really anxious. I’m not five years old. I can buy lollipops any time I want to and I don’t need to be offered them in a condescending way. I don’t need to be offered them at all. If I wanted one of her shitty lollipops I would have just taken one without asking. What I wanted and needed was some fucking validation and some sort of advice on how to cope with how I was feeling. I am also mad at her for going away. Now I will have to wait until next year until I can properly decide if I want to see her anymore. I’m not going to just stop going back, I’ve done that before. If I decide to leave, I will tell her absolutely every reason why.
I am mad at my lovely psychiatrist (and this is anger is really hard to feel) because she writes me prescriptions for medications which are dangerous when used long-term and doesn’t seem to give a shit about that. I am mad that my honesty makes no difference. I am mad at her for being so nice but forgetting that I am a person and not a pharmaceutical experiment. I am mad that if I fuck up, I end up in hospital. I am mad at her because I care so much about her and I shouldn’t.
I am really mad at my first ever psychologist, who encouraged me to be honest and then when I finally told her about something very important, she dismissed it and never looked into it further. The way she handled that has made me wonder for the rest of my life if what I remember actually happened or not. I’ll probably never know now.
But yeah, mainly I am mad at myself.