Spitting Out My Anger

I am raging today. I guess you could say that I am mad at myself and directing my anger towards others but there’s no one around so all of this rage is stabbing holes in my mind.

I want to go back to my old psychologist only to pretend that I am sorry and give her a moment of feeling like less of a fuck up. Then I want to yell and storm out of her office all over again. I am mean. I don’t know why I still feel so much anger towards her, I haven’t seen her since May or April, I can’t even remember!

I think that punching something wouldn’t help and neither would going for a walk. I need to spit my horrible words out. I wish I lived somewhere remote so I could scream and swear until I had no voice left.

I am mad at my current psychologist for offering me a freaking lollipop when I told her I was feeling really anxious. I’m not five years old. I can buy lollipops any time I want to and I don’t need to be offered them in a condescending way. I don’t need to be offered them at all. If I wanted one of her shitty lollipops I would have just taken one without asking. What I wanted and needed was some fucking validation and some sort of advice on how to cope with how I was feeling. I am also mad at her for going away. Now I will have to wait until next year until I can properly decide if I want to see her anymore. I’m not going to just stop going back, I’ve done that before. If I decide to leave, I will tell her absolutely every reason why.

I am mad at my lovely psychiatrist (and this is anger is really hard to feel) because she writes me prescriptions for medications which are dangerous when used long-term and doesn’t seem to give a shit about that. I am mad that my honesty makes no difference. I am mad at her for being so nice but forgetting that I am a person and not a pharmaceutical experiment. I am mad that if I fuck up, I end up in hospital. I am mad at her because I care so much about her and I shouldn’t.

I am really mad at my first ever psychologist, who encouraged me to be honest and then when I finally told her about something very important, she dismissed it and never looked into it further. The way she handled that has made me wonder for the rest of my life if what I remember actually happened or not. I’ll probably never know now.

But yeah, mainly I am mad at myself.

 

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24 thoughts on “Spitting Out My Anger

  1. Take a deep breath ….really…It’s okay to be mad…and feeling betrayed by your therapist is something very hard to get over…I think your psychologist, when she offered you a lolipop just wanted to sshift you attention so you can release some of your anxiety…I don’t think you should stop seeing her for that, but if you don’t feel the connection between you 2…you should definitely do..it’s very wise of you to wait until she comes back and you see her to decide… Every time my therapist goes on vacation I freak out ..it’s a normal reaction so don’t be mad at yourself….try to be kind to yourself tonight and if you need it …write all your rage away….

    • Thank you, Green. I have to see my family tonight, which I am in no mood for but it will distract me I guess. Do you think maybe it’s good to feel mad? It kind of means that I care about something. The current psychologist has annoyed/disappointed me more than by offering a lollipop, which by the way I never even thought could have been to shift my anxiety, thank you. I hope I don’t have to “decide” to leave her though because starting with anyone new gets annoying. I hope you’re having a nice weekend.

      • It is good to be mad from time to time, as long as you don’t let it consume you…the danger in anger is when you let it inside and get self destructive or when you let it out on people that are not responsible for it.. Good luck with you family…If the annoy you get in your bubble but you never know you might actually have fun…(trying to be positive here lol ) . Btw I just read on your blog that you own a cat II just posted a video about cats (I find it funny from my dark humor perspective) But it might distract you and direct you anger towards dog lovers (which I,m perfectly find with lol ) Goodnight ! Hugs!

  2. I think you sounds perfectly healthy, strong and are you noticing that you are taking care of ypur self right now? In this moment you are protecting yourself better than any medication or therapist can ever do. Because your anger is providing your integrity, Bravo! of course ypu have the right to be angry if someone offers you a lollipop when you tell her/him that you’re anxious. Keep up your great job!

    • Thank you for the comment. I didn’t really consider that my anger was/is protecting myself but it is good to think of it that way. It was good to be able to vent some of my anger. Next year I hope to express my anger more when it occurs, rather than carry it with me.

  3. Do you mind if I ask you a question? I am wondering why you are angry at yourself? Do you think it might be because you feel that it is somehow wrong to feel what you are feeling? I think that everyone has a right to feel what they feel and a right to say it, even if it makes others uncomfortable. After all, it’s not as if you did anything wrong or harmed anyone. You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to feel frustrated. That does not mean that you are off course.

    Did you ever ask yourself what your goal is — not the goal that OTHER people tell you — but your own goal? That is a good place to start.

    Please forgive me if I got anything wrong. I just don’t know you well enough to be specific. I just wanted to offer some general advice.

    • In a way it does feel wrong to feel so angry but I think I am mad at myself because I let these things happen. I am also mad at myself because another year has almost passed and nothing has changed in my life. In many ways I am getting worse.
      I don’t really know what my goal is. I am terrible at setting goals. I am better at coming up with wishes and my wish is that I could escape my problems. Thank you for your advice.

  4. The anger is great! It is not comfortable for you, but it is showing so much. A desire to change, not to be complacent, but to fight for you. Double S, now channel this anger so it is constructive, not something that will bring you down.

    You can yell at me also, I think maybe I woke something up in you, so yell at me, or with me, because i am here and on your side. 🙂

    I think when you show the two P’s you mean business, they will sit up and take notice. pssst, don’t yell at them though, well not too loud. Tell them you are angry though, just like your post. Print it out and show them.

    *hugs*

    • I don’t really know how to channel my anger into something constructive but I didn’t let it turn into something destructive either. I remember being told that anger turned inwards is anxiety so maybe it is good to be angry, maybe it will make my anxiety lessen.
      I think yesterday I was just particularly grumpy and when I typed out my ranty email, it made me realise how mad I was.
      My psychologist will have a lot to read when I see her next. I need to work on a list of what I want/expect out of therapy and I also need to (maybe) write a list of things which she does which piss me off. Lucky her!
      *hugs back*

      • You already have channeled it into something constructive, you are prepping your next visit with your psychologist. This is amazing, you are going to take direction. Writing lists is good, Really impress where you want therapy to go, see if she is up to the task. You are the boss. be bossy

      • Prepping in my head… I haven’t started prepping on paper yet.
        Being bossy is something I excel at! I’m one of those “you should do it this way…no, here, let me show you…” type of people!

  5. I find, whenever I’m distracted by intense anger for someone or something else, it is usually an avoidance tactic for something more personal within that is proving difficult to address, displaced anger perhaps.

    It’s wise of you to hold back on any decision about the Psychiatrist. It’s natural to be pissed off with Psychiatrists/Therapists because, very often, they can be the catalyst of us facing some very painful issues. However, I do agree about the prescriptions. I won’t allow them to mess about with my meds. Hope the time with family is a distraction

    • That seems to be the way it is for me too. It is much easier (and in a way healthier) for me to turn my anger against others.
      Being with my family helped distract me, mostly because I have to be “fine” and “happy” at this time of the year and that takes a lot of effort.
      Thank you for commenting.

  6. Reading your words in painful, it must be thousands of times more painful for you. It’s time to release this pain and start the path to wellness. You are intelligent and this might be a moment in time in your path. I’m no spiritual teacher. I’m a phone man who writes but your depression is anger turned inward. Have compassion on ‘your’ suffering. These are deep words. Be good to yourself.. Peace.

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