Fixated

A psychologist once told me that one of my obsessions wasn’t an obsession because I chose to have it. That’s not to say that it wasn’t stressful. Once I “chose” to become obsessed, I had to know absolutely everything about this obsession and I felt guilty if I forgot something or wasn’t quite up to date.

Another psychologist told me that when there isn’t much else going on, the mind gets fixated on things. I tend to agree with this. Maybe I do have too much time on my hands and things which should be fleeting end up floating around in my head for a long time. I get fixated on all sorts of things such as, songs, television shows, news stories, objects and people. One of my “chosen” obsessions has lasted over ten years.

Mostly I don’t choose what to become obsessed with or fixation on. Weird images or thoughts come into my mind and I can’t explain them or control them. I also can’t ignore them.

Sometimes I draw pictures, write poetry or write short stories about my more disturbing obsessions and people (mostly therapists) try to look for meaning or positives in my creations. There aren’t any positives; there is no meaning. I could draw or write about the same thing thousands of times and it would still take up space in my mind. My list of obsessions grows and the parts of my mind which could be filled with positivity get taken over.

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2 thoughts on “Fixated

  1. Wow. It was very impressive the way you described what is going on in your mind. Hasn’t there been anything over the years that has lessened any obsession or reduced the negativity? Anything at all?

    • Thank you. I think it’s getting worse, not better because over the years I have withdrawn so much from life. I think the more I do things and get back out into the world, the less intense some of these obsessions become because my mind is otherwise occupied.

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