Firstly, had a therapy session with the psychologist and I almost lost it, which isn’t really fair because she seems nice but I think she is a bit forgetful. Firstly, she had to quickly do something that she forgot to do earlier so I was like, “no worries, do what you need to.” I was a bit annoyed though. Then she asked me what my plans are for Christmas for the third freaking time! I wanted to scream but again, she’s so nice so I gave her the abridged version of what I’ve already told her twice.
I was really anxious and I told her I felt really anxious. I wanted her to help calm me down. She didn’t suggest anything. She asked if I have been doing the breathing exercises and I told her I tried but then afterwards I just go back to being unable to be calm and still.
I apologised for repeatedly accidentally kicking her coffee table and she started talking about how she had kids there earlier who were going through her coffee table drawers. I DON’T CARE!
She also started talking about another holiday she went on… I got pissed off and cut her off. I asked her what I should do about my medications, particularly the addictive ones and she said she couldn’t tell me and that the only person who can answer that is my psychiatrist. I told her my psychiatrist gets paid to load me up on pills so she’s not really the most objective person.
We made another appointment for some time in January. I told her I might not be around anymore by January but that I probably might be. She said, “Please do!”
Then on my way back home I was walking up the stairs to the train station and coming down the stairs was an ex of mine. He smiled and waved. At first I stared at him blankly and then I realised who it was and I gave him my biggest smile. I don’t know why I was so happy to see him. Maybe it was because I was feeling pretty crappy after my appointment. It was really odd. I wanted him to chase after me but he didn’t. For a brief moment I felt the love for him that I felt when we were together. Very bizarre. I have nothing to do with him and haven’t had for a number of years. I’m still thinking about him and I don’t know why. He was a terrible boyfriend. I wonder what he is like now. I wonder what he thought of me. I’m getting obsessed over a three second interaction.
I wonder if he will try to contact me. The last time we tried to sort of be online friends, he ended up trying to get me to send him inappropriate photos, which I refused to do. He was also keen to hook up but I refused that too. I know all of this and yet I am sitting here, feeling so excited that he smiled and waved. It’s crazy.