Well That Was Weird.

Firstly, had a therapy session with the psychologist and I almost lost it, which isn’t really fair because she seems nice but I think she is a bit forgetful. Firstly, she had to quickly do something that she forgot to do earlier so I was like, “no worries, do what you need to.” I was a bit annoyed though. Then she asked me what my plans are for Christmas for the third freaking time! I wanted to scream but again, she’s so nice so I gave her the abridged version of what I’ve already told her twice.

I was really anxious and I told her I felt really anxious. I wanted her to help calm me down. She didn’t suggest anything. She asked if I have been doing the breathing exercises and I told her I tried but then afterwards I just go back to being unable to be calm and still.

I apologised for repeatedly accidentally kicking her coffee table and she started talking about how she had kids there earlier who were going through her coffee table drawers. I DON’T CARE!

She also started talking about another holiday she went on… I got pissed off and cut her off. I asked her what I should do about my medications, particularly the addictive ones and she said she couldn’t tell me and that the only person who can answer that is my psychiatrist. I told her my psychiatrist gets paid to load me up on pills so she’s not really the most objective person.

We made another appointment for some time in January. I told her I might not be around anymore by January but that I probably might be. She said, “Please do!”

Then on my way back home I was walking up the stairs to the train station and coming down the stairs was an ex of mine. He smiled and waved. At first I stared at him blankly and then I realised who it was and I gave him my biggest smile. I don’t know why I was so happy to see him. Maybe it was because I was feeling pretty crappy after my appointment. It was really odd. I wanted him to chase after me but he didn’t. For a brief moment I felt the love for him that I felt when we were together. Very bizarre. I have nothing to do with him and haven’t had for a number of years. I’m still thinking about him and I don’t know why. He was a terrible boyfriend. I wonder what he is like now. I wonder what he thought of me. I’m getting obsessed over a three second interaction.

I wonder if he will try to contact me. The last time we tried to sort of be online friends, he ended up trying to get me to send him inappropriate photos, which I refused to do. He was also keen to hook up but I refused that too. I know all of this and yet I am sitting here, feeling so excited that he smiled and waved. It’s crazy.

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8 thoughts on “Well That Was Weird.

  1. Woah…Forgive me for throwing my opinion around here, as it’s really not my place, but I would be SO annoyed if my therapist behaved that way. I am absentminded myself at times so I don’t judge folks for being so but she’s maybe chosen the wrong career if she can’t even remember what her clients have already told her three times. My therapist will surprise the heck out of me by referencing something that we talked about years ago…I love that about her. She really makes me feel listened to, if nothing else.

    It was kind of you to let her rattle on about vacations and kids but you have every right to use that time (you’re paying her for!) to talk about YOU. Maybe bring it up in a kind way next time you see her and she if she understands?

    That she said “please do” after you referenced not being around anymore…:( I’m sorry for that. It must feel horrible to make such a statement and have a nonsense answer returned.

    • I totally welcome your opinion! I’m really disappointed in her but I keep blaming myself. I think that maybe my problems are too much for her to take on.(although if this is the case, she should refer me on to someone else!) I can slightly forgive her for asking about Christmas but only because I once had an even worse therapist who forgot EVERYTHING about me- my age, what I was doing with my life and really significant (and hard to share) life events.
      The government is paying for her because I can’t afford it but if she continues this way I will go back to my GP and see if I can be referred to someone else.
      I wish I had a therapist like the one you have. My psychiatrist is like that, she is really good at remembering what we’ve spoken about, which is surprising because she’s a total scatterbrain!
      It did hurt that she said, “please do”, instead of helping me come up with ways to cope with these feelings.
      Maybe after she gets back from her stupid holiday, she’ll be able to focus more on therapy!

  2. Double S, I have to agree with the above comment. Yes a lot of patients can flow through doors, but a fast glance at notes, which really should be done, I mean really, will clear much up and jog memories. An antidote about kids rummaging through the coffee table may have been to put you at ease, so I don’t fault that. As for meds hmmmm, well you know I talk about meds as we have often. Perhaps she doesnt want to step on toes. I like stepping on toes, it wakes people up, besides I like that shocked look. 😉

    So no effort on calming methods? Nothing to work with? Breathing is the core of a lot of it, but there are next steps to be used in conjunction with it. I do encourage you to do much more of the breathing exercises. Even some mindful breathing. nudge nudge…. I am a good nagger also.

    As for the BF, we always feel something, even with one we reject, after all there was something to start with, something that got us interested the first time. So we cling to that memory after the hate period has passed. Wondering.

    As for your parting comment to her, please talk to me if you feel that this is even going to be a remote possibility. So I can step on your toes too.

    *big hugs*

    • Hey Amber,
      Thanks for your reply. I’ll try to talk to you if things get a bit uncertain. I probably need my toes stepped on!
      It’s interesting about seeing exes. Most of them I wont even acknowledge. That particular ex was a big part of my life for a big (ish) part of my life though so I guess he had more of an impact on me. I can’t stop thinking about seeing him.
      You’re right, all the psychologist had to do was glance at her notes from last time. I wouldn’t have minded if I waited a bit longer to see her so she could catch up.
      She wouldn’t comment on medication but was happy to lecture me about smoking. I wish this had occurred after she told me that she can’t give her opinion on meds, I would have told her that only my GP can make a comment on my smoking!

      • Aww Sunbeams and Smiles ❤ so sweet!
        This therapist knows (or at least I told her, maybe she didn't commit it to memory) that smoking is a part of my self-harm and body issues… She is quite overweight and I would never judge her for that!
        I definitely wont be hooking up with that ex or any others! Also he wont have my new phone number so unless he tries to email me, he doesn't have much of a chance of getting into contact.

  3. I have to admit that I laughed when I read that she said “Please do!”, and I hope you won’t take this the wrong way. I laughed because I thought it was totally ridiculous to respond that way, and instead of starting to cry, I just had to laugh. I don’t understand how ANYONE and let alone a psychologist could answer that way. I’m sorry that you had to experience that! It’s just when you read it … it seems so unlikely to happen that .. yeah, hope you understand and aren’t offended! 😦 🙂
    I hope you’ll figure it out about the meds. It’s good that you don’t want to be addicted to them and that you are trying to be attentive to them and what you should and shouldn’t use. Are you sure your psychiatrist wouldn’t be objective about it?
    And hey, if you’re thinking about it, and it’s possible, why not ask your GP if you can change? No harm in trying. I mean when you’re having someone help you get through the roughest things in your life, you better like her, or?
    HUGS!

    • I’m not offended at all. I agree with you, I couldn’t understand why she responded so casually. My theory is that maybe she doesn’t generally work with people like me. I don’t know, I sort of get the impression that maybe her other clients are less “extreme”. That doesn’t excuse her though and I am seriously considering seeing someone else. I will give her one more chance but only because I am lazy and the process of getting a new referral and applying for assistance for therapy is exhausting.
      I don’t know what I will do about the meds. I don’t think my psychiatrist can be objective but I can talk things over with her and persuade her I guess. I don’t really know what I want. I get scared by all of my medications but I am also scared about not taking them.
      Thank you for the comment and the HUGS! Here, have some HUGS back 😀

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