(Usual Trigger Warning)
There are two people who have cut themselves as a direct result of knowing me. A couple of others upped the ante on their self-harm after seeing some of my scars and cuts.
At least four people have harmed their bodies because of me.
My best friend and I were hanging out once when I noticed some cuts on her legs. I asked her about them and she told me that she had drawn a bath and cut her leg with a razor to see what it was like and to feel what I feel. I was horrified. I told her to never do it again, as though I exclusively owned the right to self-harm. She told me that how I felt was how she felt when I self-harmed. She said, “When you hurt yourself, you hurt me too.” I stopped being honest with her about my self-harm and as far as I know, she never hurt herself again. Maybe it was enough for her to swap shoes with me just once and to see me realise how much of an influence I was on her.
A boyfriend of mine who came with his own set of issues, tried to “impress” me by cutting his arm. I wasn’t impressed, I was angry and upset. It was hypocritical of me to react the way that I did and to still expect him to accept my mutilations. I think he was trying to connect with me but it felt like an insult to something which I often can’t control. I didn’t want him to pick up my habit, just like I didn’t want him to feel depressed when I did. We were supposed to bring out the good parts in each other. We didn’t last long.
I hate that others have scars because of me. I hate that when they look at their scars, they probably think of me. In the case of that boyfriend, I am sure if anyone asks him about it, he’d say a crazy ex made him do it.