self harming others

(Usual Trigger Warning)

 

 

There are two people who have cut themselves as a direct result of knowing me. A couple of others upped the ante on their self-harm after seeing some of my scars and cuts.

At least four people have harmed their bodies because of me.

My best friend and I were hanging out once when I noticed some cuts on her legs. I asked her about them and she told me that she had drawn a bath and cut her leg with a razor to see what it was like and to feel what I feel. I was horrified. I told her to never do it again, as though I exclusively owned the right to self-harm. She told me that how I felt was how she felt when I self-harmed. She said, “When you hurt yourself, you hurt me too.” I stopped being honest with her about my self-harm and as far as I know, she never hurt herself again. Maybe it was enough for her to swap shoes with me just once and to see me realise how much of an influence I was on her.

A boyfriend of mine who came with his own set of issues, tried to “impress” me by cutting his arm. I wasn’t impressed, I was angry and upset. It was hypocritical of me to react the way that I did and to still expect him to accept my mutilations. I think he was trying to connect with me but it felt like an insult to something which I often can’t control. I didn’t want him to pick up my habit, just like I didn’t want him to feel depressed when I did. We were supposed to bring out the good parts in each other. We didn’t last long.

I hate that others have scars because of me. I hate that when they look at their scars, they probably think of me. In the case of that boyfriend, I am sure if anyone asks him about it, he’d say a crazy ex made him do it.

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24 thoughts on “self harming others

  1. I’m sure it’s hard to cope with, knowing that people have hurt themselves for you but do try to keep in mind that you are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own. xx

    • That’s true. At the end of the day they decided to harm themselves. I just hate that I had that sort of influence. What happened with my best friend and boyfriend happened a few years back so it is easier to deal with now. Thanks for you comment. 🙂

      • Your blog is really great.! I hope soon you can work on forgiving yourself. I held in for many years, my soul mate, the one I know was THE ONE, I Blamed myself for his accident Forever. Lost my true love. It helped talking to people that wanted to listen. If You ever want to yell, scream or talk, or whatever :-)… I’m sure you know what,I’m,gonna say, then go see a Dr…. Lol no im kidding. Just call,me, or text or email. Keep thinking positive.
        PJ

      • Thank you so much for the comment and for sharing your personal experiences. I am sorry to hear about what happened to your soul mate and that you blamed yourself. Thank you for being so kind and positive.

  2. aaargh i just wrote this long comment and somehow it all got deleted right before i posted it. booooo internet! okay i’ll be back in a bit to rewrite it haha, it was kind of a tough comment to write so i need to take a breather before trying again lol. but it was a postive helpful comment about my own experiences i promise! 🙂 okay be back soon.

  3. I love this post because of the raw intensity and honesty. So go slowly with me here, as I do understand and support this issue. I also work very hard to remove the need and desire to do so, but being an empath, I feel the struggles that occur. Of course I have seen much of this too.

    SH is difficult for people to understand, that have not experienced what some go through. It is one of the most difficult things to comprehend. When confronted with it for the first time, shock is the first response, then revulsion. This for the SH’er is difficult to take, when they open themselves up, hoping for support and understanding. So it is hidden. It is part of the stigma, a strong part.

    Those that try to understand will often, try it. When I ask someone, that I am seeing, how they got started, many will say they read about it on the internet, some will say a friend was doing it. A few discover it by accident.

    Double S, this does not mean you are turning people into SH’ers, perhaps though, they, in their wish to support you, may try to experience it, to better understand. Your friend I think was doing this.

    So, I have taken my fingernail and drawn it along my arm, wondering. I have stopped there. I understand the needs, the reactions, the endorphin’s and chemicals released, I know how the pain can help restore the mind. I know other ways to do this too, and this is what I teach.

    Posts like this though, help remove the stigma a bit, to help people to understand. Double S this is not something to feel shame over or to hide. Openness is the step to understanding, the step to remove the stigma. With friends and family, because then too, you get more support, more caring.

    *super big hugs*

  4. I wouldn’t say they harmed because or for you! I think sometimes people have ussues anyway and they see you have way of release so try it to experience the release you do.
    Everyone has to learn about things somewhere. Good and bad things.
    SH is just one of those things that people don’t realise the seriousness. Some people I think just do it because it seems like that’s what everyone does when they are on a downer, and don’t actually do it for the reasons you or I might have.

    Keep well.
    Bonny

    • Thanks Bonny,
      I guess people just want to escape in one way or another and seeing my way of coping made them curious.
      Ultimately it wasn’t for them as far as I know. Maybe because it’s not really socially acceptable.

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