I just watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, which I hadn’t seen in ages and it made me think about one of my doctor’s selling points for ECT. She said, “It would probably make you not remember this stay in hospital.” That wasn’t enough for me to commit to ECT and if I could erase people or memories from my mind like they do in the movie, I don’t think I could ever do that either.
The people in my life, even those I hate have all taught me a lesson in one way or another. At the very least they have taught me to be wary of people like them and to keep my guard up. If my memories were erased, even the really traumatic ones, would I still feel the way that I feel and react the way that I do without knowing why? It could make things worse if one day I woke up not knowing what might have contributed to why I am so messed up. On the other hand, without the bad memories and people, maybe I would wake up feeling free of some of my afflictions. I say some because of the organic nature of mental illness.
I watched another movie the other day called, “Perfect Sense”, about an illness/epidemic which slowly robs people of their senses. It really freaked me out. It’s not a particularly scary film but it is dark and ultimately depressing. It takes a while to get going but it is an interesting film. I think losing my sense of sight would be the worst, followed by hearing. I don’t often think about my sense of touch, but being pelted by the cold rain today was really invigorating. I’m usually the type of person who always has an umbrella as though I am afraid the rain might melt me but I didn’t have one today so I walked on. I guess it didn’t matter because I was coming home, not going out. Going out in the rain is never fun.