I sound like a broken record… Sorry.

I’m not going back to a hospital group for a while. My psychiatrist is going away (again!) and I wont see her for a month. I haven’t made my mind up about whether or not my new psychologist is going to be of any benefit to me. My supportive friend is lovely but also pretty flaky, we were meant to meet up today but she never responded to my texts and I know what it’s like, I do that too but I at least try to come up with some sort of excuse so the other person knows I am not going to meet up with them. I wouldn’t have even cared if she had said, “I’m not up for it, I am sorry.”

I just got a text from her actually. I predicted that she would wait until enough time had passed and she could assume I was back home. It’s safe to reply when the other person isn’t around anymore. She said something about how she was shopping and had her phone off. So why did she suggest we meet up today after my appointment with my psychiatrist?

I was talking to my psychiatrist today about how I don’t feel any better than I did when I was last in hospital and she said that inside I might not feel better but outside I look better. She said I used to cry a lot more, especially in our sessions. I told her that I look like crap these days and that most of the time I am too numb and medicated to cry. I want her to help me so much more than she can. I want anyone to help me so much more than they can. I told her that I didn’t think she should go away. She told me that she would be back. I told her that I understand she has a life and shouldn’t have to work all of the time but I didn’t want her to leave me. She reminded me that one of the other doctors will see me if I need to see anyone. I said they probably wont like me and I probably wont see them.

I’m not allowed to taper off my Seroquel now that my doctor wont be around to see how it goes, which is annoying but I suppose it can wait. I also told her that I never started taking Lyrica and that I wont be taking it ever. She didn’t seem to care too much, it was just meant to be a substitute for my evening Seroquel.

I want to shut everyone out right now and it’s the worst time of the year to do that. I want to be able to make stupid mistakes and not have to worry about how they upset my family and friends. I want everyone to hate me so I can hate myself without feeling guilty. The way things have been and the way things are going makes me wonder if I will ever get out of this. Some people recover and get back into a “normal” sort of life. I just keep losing years to mental illness. Not everyone can get better. Not everyone deserves to get better. I include myself in all of this because I am feeling sorry for myself, again. I hope that anyone reading this knows that I absolutely hope they are able to beat any of the demons they are battling and I wish happiness to everyone.

I wish for happiness and strength for myself too.

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19 thoughts on “I sound like a broken record… Sorry.

  1. I’m sorry for your psychiatrist leaving… I feel like the attachment we have toward our counselors are almost addictive… My psychologist was away for 2 weeks and I flipped! Big time! Have you tried to make friends at the hospital maybe… I got stood up by a friend today and it sucked… sometimes people don’t understand that seeing them is the little bit of sunshine you”ll get for the day.. Anyways I hope you get better… kisses

    • Thank you. It is addictive seeing these professionals and hard to cope without them. Maybe one day it will be easier. The friend who ditched me today is a friend from hospital and usually is so supportive. She’s the friend who was there for me the other day when I flipped out a bit. Maybe seeing me twice in a week is too much but she suggested it so it was disappointing. Sorry to hear a friend stood you up too. Hugs

  2. I hope things go okay for you while your doctor is away. It’s hard not to feel abandoned, I’m sure. 😦

    That Seroquel…I was on it for a couple of years. It didn’t do much aside from make me numb and exhausted all the time. Getting off it was wonderful for me. I also just stopped taking Lyrica…I refused it for a long time but I have physical pain that they insisted it would help with. You know what it did? Took me from 120 lbs to 150 lbs in a *very* short time frame. Meds are so hard to balance. I hope you get yours sorted out soon.

    • I hate how meds mess with weight. I need to come off my evening dose of Seroquel because I think it’s the cause of my recurrent sleep paralysis. Was it easy to come off? I think I will still take it in the morning even though like you, it pretty much just makes me numb and exhausted. Thanks for your comment. I hope you have a lovely weekend!

      • I didn’t have much trouble weaning off Seroquel but I did so quite slowly. I was on 600mg and went down by 100mg each week until I was on a tiny dose of 50mg I think. The numb mornings and fogginess got better as the dose went down and I was 100% leveled off and feeling no side effects by 3-4 weeks after stopping entirely. That said, I’ve seen people come off it much faster with the same result.
        Wishing you luck! Even if it’s worse than what I experienced, push through it…it’s so worth it to stop feeling that zombie feeling. *hugs*

  3. Attachment to someone that is providing you with care, this is normal, they are showing interest in you, helping you, making you feel better, wanted, needed. To be removed from this, even for short terms, is very difficult. More so, with abandonment issues. I am pointing out though, I am here. 🙂 I know with just blogging and email, it is not a lot, but it is something. You are not alone. Remember that ok?

    *super big hugs*

  4. I wish I had the time to catch up on your posts, and bother you with many comments on all of them, and just shower you with loads of encouragement! But I’m gonna be honest and tell you that I only have a few hours at home before I’m going back to the hospital, and won’t be able to catch up just yet. But I wanted to pop in to tell you I’m thinking of you, and cheering for you.
    You are amazing! Don’t stop 🙂

    Hugs!

    • I’m sorry to hear you’re going back to hospital, I really hope it helps you and that you’re okay. You’re amazing too. Thank you for your comment. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you well. Hugs back

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