I’m not going back to a hospital group for a while. My psychiatrist is going away (again!) and I wont see her for a month. I haven’t made my mind up about whether or not my new psychologist is going to be of any benefit to me. My supportive friend is lovely but also pretty flaky, we were meant to meet up today but she never responded to my texts and I know what it’s like, I do that too but I at least try to come up with some sort of excuse so the other person knows I am not going to meet up with them. I wouldn’t have even cared if she had said, “I’m not up for it, I am sorry.”
I just got a text from her actually. I predicted that she would wait until enough time had passed and she could assume I was back home. It’s safe to reply when the other person isn’t around anymore. She said something about how she was shopping and had her phone off. So why did she suggest we meet up today after my appointment with my psychiatrist?
I was talking to my psychiatrist today about how I don’t feel any better than I did when I was last in hospital and she said that inside I might not feel better but outside I look better. She said I used to cry a lot more, especially in our sessions. I told her that I look like crap these days and that most of the time I am too numb and medicated to cry. I want her to help me so much more than she can. I want anyone to help me so much more than they can. I told her that I didn’t think she should go away. She told me that she would be back. I told her that I understand she has a life and shouldn’t have to work all of the time but I didn’t want her to leave me. She reminded me that one of the other doctors will see me if I need to see anyone. I said they probably wont like me and I probably wont see them.
I’m not allowed to taper off my Seroquel now that my doctor wont be around to see how it goes, which is annoying but I suppose it can wait. I also told her that I never started taking Lyrica and that I wont be taking it ever. She didn’t seem to care too much, it was just meant to be a substitute for my evening Seroquel.
I want to shut everyone out right now and it’s the worst time of the year to do that. I want to be able to make stupid mistakes and not have to worry about how they upset my family and friends. I want everyone to hate me so I can hate myself without feeling guilty. The way things have been and the way things are going makes me wonder if I will ever get out of this. Some people recover and get back into a “normal” sort of life. I just keep losing years to mental illness. Not everyone can get better. Not everyone deserves to get better. I include myself in all of this because I am feeling sorry for myself, again. I hope that anyone reading this knows that I absolutely hope they are able to beat any of the demons they are battling and I wish happiness to everyone.
I wish for happiness and strength for myself too.