I got through Halloween without any trick or treaters, which is good because I had nothing to give them and didn’t plan on answering the door if anyone managed to get into our apartment building. I sound like a Halloween grinch but I live in Australia and as I’ve mentioned before, we don’t really celebrate it here.
I didn’t escape horror on Halloween though. Within my first hour of sleep I was plunged into nightmares and then sleep paralysis. I am experiencing sleep paralysis so frequently these days and I think it is getting worse. I am becoming much more vocal although I am not sure how audible I am to others. No wonder I don’t get trick or treaters, if anyone can hear me when I am in a state of sleep paralysis, they probably think I become possessed at night. Maybe I do.
When I was able to wake up, I turned on the lights and sat in my living room scrawling something about being in an old boarding house with someone or something wanting to kill me. Then I wrote about walking up some stairs and instructing members of my family to grab my arms, shake me and scream at me until I was awake.
The last thing I wrote was that sleep paralysis makes me want to die, which is true when I am experiencing it. It’s a dangerous disturbance and if I could move, I probably would try to kill myself. Then again, if I could move, it wouldn’t be sleep paralysis. I guess it would be more of a night terror in that case.
I hate not knowing what is real and not even feeling like myself. It feels like a possession because I “act” (or think I am acting) in ways I wouldn’t normally. I wouldn’t normally scream out into the night, claw at my window screen so I can hurl myself out or try to swing from my ceiling. I become the opposite of what I usually am. I want people to be nearby, I want people to help me and I don’t care what I have to do to get attention. Then I wake up, feel really embarrassed and hope that I left all of that crazy stuff in my nightmares.