Just in case this is a bit gruesome/triggering, I will take up some space with a list of things which are nice before I get to the actual blog. Uhm how about-
- Rainbow kittens
- Rainbow flowers
- Rainbow kittens playing with rainbow flowers
I had another dream that I died. I jumped off the roof of a car park and felt my body smash to pieces. I waited for some sort of official sign that I was dead but I didn’t go up to heaven or down to hell, I just didn’t exist in my body anymore.
I wasn’t free from my problems. Instead my spirit had to stick around and watch my loved ones fall apart. The only people who could see me were small children and my brother. I didn’t get to see my own funeral but I saw some of the photos which had been on display.
My biggest concern was getting to my apartment before my parents got there so I could tidy it up and throw out anything which might upset them, which I managed to do with my ghostly hands!
I asked my brother what happened to my body and he said I had been cremated and buried at the crematorium where my grandparents are. He took me there in the hope that I could find peace and move on from this world but I when we found my grave, it was nowhere near my grandparents and I was scared because the grave across from me had a big cross on the ground and from my perspective, it was upside down. I think I knew then that if I did move on, it wouldn’t be to anywhere nice so I stayed stuck between worlds.
Ahh, sleep is so peaceful, right? Ha!
Today I had to walk across one of my real life suicide haunts. I hadn’t been there since I was taken away by police in an ambulance. I have passed it sometimes but had never been as close as I was today. I felt nothing, even as the flood of memories came back. It’s just another nothing place in another part of nothing town.