Lovely Day

I love my best friend. It may have taken some time but she’s realising that I need more notice if she wants to see me. This isn’t always easy because she has a little one and a partner and can’t always make plans too far ahead but she sent me a text last night asking if I wanted to hang out today. I said yes and imagined I would be going over to her place, which is fine because I love seeing my sort of niece and my friend. I usually seem to come up with reasons why I can’t do something if she asks me on any particular day if I am free because I freak out about not having enough time to prepare myself mentally. Or I just ignore her texts until it is too late in the day to make plans. I’ve said it before, I am a pretty crappy friend but for some reason, my best friend still thinks I am worth having in her life and wont give up on me.

Things changed today because her partner didn’t go into work. I figured our plans might get cancelled but instead, they invited me to the beach. My usual worries took over but before I had time to freak out, I said that would be lovely and it was!

They picked me up, I sat in the back with the little one and chatted away. I had to take a Valium and two Xanaxs before I left the house but I was fine for the rest of the day. I went swimming, I lay on the beach and relaxed and I even ate some food with them. (On top of that, it was food I wouldn’t normally eat because I tend to stick to plain foods or foods I have had many times before.)

We built sandcastles and tried to get some summer glow onto our pasty skin, with plenty of sunscreen of course! We laughed a lot and it was almost as if things were normal. I am so glad I went! 🙂

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18 thoughts on “Lovely Day

  1. I feel as if I am reading something that I have written. I have withdrawn from everyone because I could not stand disappointing people anymore by either cancelling on friends or simply refusing to make arrangements

    • It’s so hard isn’t it? I can’t explain myself to anyone, not even my best friend. People just assume you don’t want to see them or have no interest in their lives anymore. I feel a lot of shame when I meet up with most people because I am not living a regular sort of life. Do you have friends who keep contact with you despite your withdrawal?

      • I found managing friendships and relationships so difficult that i gave my friends no opportunity to keep in touch. I disconnected phone’s and email before completely withdrawing. Things got so bad, I even lost touch with family for over 6yrs. It might sound sad but, believe me, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
        I am slowly gaining contact with family but still very much keep them at arms length.
        It’s not healthy situation to be in and l have been working towards rejoicing life again.
        It’s good to push yourself – like you are already doing – otherwise you might end up like me

      • It really is difficult to manage friendships and I don’t even bother with relationships anymore. I pushed all of my friends away, even my best friend. For two years we didn’t even talk. Then out of the blue we got back into contact again. It’s still so much more comfortable for me to keep people at a distance, except my family who are probably too involved in my life.

  2. I hate how you don’t get out for so long that you begin to get so comfortable being home. Then, like you said, when you do go out you end up really enjoying it! So glad you had a great time. You deserve it.

    • Thank you so much. It is so easy to just stay home but I would have felt really guilty if I had made up an excuse and didn’t go. I hope one day I can do these things without having to take benzos.

    • I find it much easier to go places where I know that I will be outdoors and the beach is so peaceful. I say no ( or make up excuses) so often that I am surprised this friend still wants to see me.

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