Just Practicing

If totally panicked before even getting there-

  • Take medication. (Because it’s better to be forgetful and stupid than to have a public panic attack.)
  • Get a taxi there and arrange for another taxi to get you home after a suitable amount of time. (Yes, it’s sort of expensive but better than buses and trains and it gives you a valid reason for leaving. Bonus- you can count down the minutes until you’re free from social interaction.)
  • Show up, be friendly and disappear for a while. (Hopefully no one will notice.)
  • Once there, come up with a reason to leave early. (Damn, another headache!)

 

When asked how I have been and what I have been up to-

  • Oh just fine, you know, not much has been happening but yeaaaah…(Awkwardness ensues.)
  • Great, really, I’ve been super busy with this and that! (You dirty little liar!)
  • Okay thanks and you? (Get the focus back onto them.)
  • Oh I was sick for a while but I am doing okay now! (accentuate the positives while using a genuine excuse for living a lazy life.)
  • *Pretend not to hear them and stare at the sky or ceiling.* (Odd but possibly effective at eliminating conversation.)

 

Possible topics to talk about-

  • The weather. (It’s going to be a hot summer!)
  • The last election and new PM. (Kind of risky but it could work well if in agreement about politics.)
  • The reason we’re there. (Keep bringing it back to that and reminding yourself that it’s not all about you!)
  • Books/movies. (Try not to come across as a psychopath when describing what you like to watch. Try not to come across as a complete depressive when talking about the books you read. Maybe just let the other person talk.)
  • Stuff from mental support groups. (Weird them right out of the conversation or possibly inspire them.)
  • Food. (Love it? Hate it? I don’t really care but there are so many channels for conversation here!)

 

How to look busy when you’re not-

  • Wow, my phone needs to be checked constantly in case I get that super important phone call or text that I have never told anyone else about and can’t possibly explain now. (They’ll see through it but will accept my behaviour.)
  • I’ve been drinking so much water, I have to go to the bathroom again! (Try breathing techniques or medication in the bathroom.)
  • Play the “I am super helpful card” and do dishes, clean up mess, throw away rubbish. (No one really gets hurt by this.)
  • Can I get you a…? Drink, chair, morsel of food? (Anything!)
  • The fake phone call. (Did I just feel my phone vibrate? I’d better get that and never return!)

 

Things you shouldn’t do-

  • Cry (Why are you even here if you’re sad?!)
  • Panic (People wont know what to do and the attention will be unbearable.)
  • Pace (This just seems weird to everyone else.)
  • Take medication in front of others. (You pill-popper!)
  • Drink alcohol. (It won’t end well.)
  • Sit down. (Move around so those leg jitters aren’t obvious.)

 

Well this has been great but I have to get going because…

  • I have to get home before dark. (The opposite of being a vampire?)
  • I have to feed my cat. (Lame but necessary.)
  • I have to meet up with someone and it can’t possibly wait. (That someone is my cat.)
  • Oh my allergies! (A valid reason if they’ve flared up, I guess.)
  • I have to take medication. (Play the crazy card!)

 

 

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