Spectrum

Yesterday I went through a whole spectrum of moods. The day started usually flat and aimless until I heard my computer was ready to be picked up. A natural reaction to this was excitement and relief but things got a little strange in the afternoon. I was too excited, too giddy and full of too much energy. My thoughts were scattered, I had a lot to do but couldn’t focus on any task for long enough to complete it. I am used to this disorganisation from anxiety but I wasn’t really anxious. I was living in my head a bit, in the crazy imaginary land I sometimes go to.

I took myself for a walk and I felt like I was flying. I got giggly and felt like I knew something no one else did. I had to actively stop my face from showing any emotion beyond a slight smile.

When the evening started to set in, I felt really scared. Something about the almost-Spring weather makes me really fearful. I became unusually sad and felt completely alone. Everything I had to do became too much so I turned on the TV and tried to unwind. I gave up and went to bed but I couldn’t get to sleep. I read for hours and then lay there getting so angry because my mind wouldn’t shut off. I didn’t know if it was hot or cold. This in-between weather is so confusing. I kept adjusting my blankets and pulling off/putting on socks.

I did sleep eventually but woke up too early with a blocked nose. Allergy season. Ugh.

Today I still feel fearful but I am back to a standard low mood and high anxiety.

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21 thoughts on “Spectrum

  1. goals can be set, we do so in our heads sometimes with out really making it official. Goals are a target, like the word goal… not a must do or darn it wasn’t met. Nice when they are, but we can’t achieve all of them, all of our goals, sometimes none of them. We can’t worry about the things that we can not change. This is hard to let go of, that feeling. The terms one day at a time, go with the flow.. they are key.

    Spring is a time of renewal, but it is just another season. Another time marked on the calendar. This is all, it is the start of the year in many respects. Some have times of the year that are triggering, or they think they are. Things happen during that time or did in the past, so it is expected that they will once again. They often forget the good things that happen during that time, that season too.

    • Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I don’t like setting goals although I know I should set little goals, they just seem so mundane compared to what I might have been capable of in the past.
      I have to keep remembering to take one day at a time, I get so caught up in worries about the future.

      • overcoming worries/anxiety and depression too, goal setting is key, but tiny goals, little things, little steps, steps that you can do, so when you complete them, they build you up, raise your self worth.

        big goals, are ok, but keep in mind they are only a target. if not achieved, it doesnt matter, they are still there.

        using mindfulness and breathing techniques, overcoming small anxiety triggers, for a smaller goal. something like shopping or eating out, is the key. 🙂

      • You’re so wise. 🙂
        I definitely don’t bother with big goals, they’re far too daunting!
        Breathing techniques are good, when I can breathe! My nose is still stuffed up. 😦

  2. Umm, I know that you probably don’t want to be overwhelmed with “you have to do this! It’ll help!” but I thought I would just share a couple of things that helped me with allergies and stuff.
    Cut out as much crappy food as possible – your liver will be under stress so it’s best not to have too much food/medication that will put further stress on it (a lot of processed foods, drinks, sugars, etc). Drink heaps of water, so you’re going to the bathroom every 5 seconds. Go to a health food store and ask for something that will help your liver. Dandelion tea is good.

    As for anxiety, go and see everyone imaginable. I saw pretty much every kind of health person around – doctors, specialists, dietitians, acupuncturists, massage, kinesiologists, naturopaths, homeopaths, councellors, psychologists – it helped me and I have no doubt someone out there will be able to help you.
    Don’t give up! If something/someone’s not working, move on until you find the help you deserve 🙂
    You’d be surprised just how much relief you’ll get with anxiety when you fix your physical body.

    • Wow, thank you so much, I really appreciate all of that advice!
      I’ve never had dandelion tea but I will give it a try. Actually that makes sense for another reason because one of my medications can cause liver problems (I have to have blood tests quite regularly). I didn’t know allergies could be tied up with the liver. As I write this I am drinking a big glass of water, I try to drink lots of water anyway but will up the intake.
      You know you reminded me of something I wrote when I was last in hospital. I really wanted to get out of there and had every intention to try absolutely anything to help but anxiety got in the way and over time I forgot about how hopeful I had been in a really dark time. I saw a chiropractor for a while and that actually helped a bit because it opened my chest up and made breathing easier. I stopped because my health insurance wouldn’t pay anymore and I couldn’t afford to keep going. That’s the problem with most forms of treatment, I can’t afford to keep anything up. It’s crazy, medicare covers most of the cost for me to see a psychiatrist and get drugged up but barely covers psychology or anything else beyond general medical sort of stuff. Private health insurance only co-pays a small bit towards “extras”, which is why I can’t really afford to do much. That sounds like I am making excuses and I think I am. I guess even if I only saw a naturopath or whoever a few times, I would be better off than not going at all.
      Thank you, I wont give up hope, I just have to get over the first hurdle of making phone calls, appointments and actually going to these places!
      All the best to you 🙂

      • Yes, it is really unfortunate that it costs a lot. I know exactly how you feel. I would like to get massages every week, see my acupunturist, and everything else to keep everything moving, but like you said, it’s expensive.
        I know exactly what you mean about getting over that first hurdle. Making first contact is hard!
        Good luck!

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