Titles Are For Titles

Crying because that’s what I do and I hate feeling miserable but at the same time I am glad I am able to cry. I’ll take tears over numbness any day.

I almost got onto to a train out to nowhereville today, that was a bit scary. Luckily I had a sudden realisation that the crappy trains generally don’t travel on my line so I stuck my head out and saw that the train was wrong. I think I would have had a bit of a meltdown if I stayed on it. A man who got onto the right train when I did said, “You almost got on the wrong train!” No shit. But I am polite and agreed with him. YEP I ALMOST WENT TO NOWHEREVILLE. Our conversation ended as soon as it started. I started out the window trying not cry.

I got to see some results of a test a psychologist gave me and that’s what made me miserable. That’s sounds crazy because I am hardly surprised by my shitty results, I am totally aware that I am a mess but seeing it on paper really upset me. I started at the paper for too long, I hurried outside and the psychologist followed me, she was really nice and chatted with me. I told her I feel like a complete failure.

This life stage isn’t working out well. Birth was fine, I didn’t have to do anything for that. Life is a mess and death, well I am scared of dying out of my own control but I am not scared of dying. I am scared of my loved ones dying a little bit too. I’ve lost too many people in my life and I carry a piece of their death with me all the time.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Titles Are For Titles

  1. test results are a guide, a starting point. It is not a measure of success or failure. The results, what ever they were, will indicate where attention can be given. Tis winter for you too, and I think this is fueling your depression, but not for much longer either, spring is fast approaching.

    It sounds like you may have found a psychologist that is working out better for you?

    *hugs*

    • Thank you, Amber. Unfortunately she’s not a one on one psychologist, she’s a group pyschologist. She has urged me to find an individual psychologist.
      You’re right, winter is depressing but spring scares me for some reason. It always has. It reminds me that the year is almost over and that I need to start thinking about what I might do next year. Something in the air in spring makes my moods really peculiar. I don’t mean pollen, I mean the energy or hope or something.

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