Crying because that’s what I do and I hate feeling miserable but at the same time I am glad I am able to cry. I’ll take tears over numbness any day.
I almost got onto to a train out to nowhereville today, that was a bit scary. Luckily I had a sudden realisation that the crappy trains generally don’t travel on my line so I stuck my head out and saw that the train was wrong. I think I would have had a bit of a meltdown if I stayed on it. A man who got onto the right train when I did said, “You almost got on the wrong train!” No shit. But I am polite and agreed with him. YEP I ALMOST WENT TO NOWHEREVILLE. Our conversation ended as soon as it started. I started out the window trying not cry.
I got to see some results of a test a psychologist gave me and that’s what made me miserable. That’s sounds crazy because I am hardly surprised by my shitty results, I am totally aware that I am a mess but seeing it on paper really upset me. I started at the paper for too long, I hurried outside and the psychologist followed me, she was really nice and chatted with me. I told her I feel like a complete failure.
This life stage isn’t working out well. Birth was fine, I didn’t have to do anything for that. Life is a mess and death, well I am scared of dying out of my own control but I am not scared of dying. I am scared of my loved ones dying a little bit too. I’ve lost too many people in my life and I carry a piece of their death with me all the time.