When everyone first started getting mobile phones, it was so exciting to call and text friends. We had a way to communicate without having to bypass parents who might answer the landline or wait until someone was home. When I got my first phone I remember excitedly texting a couple of friends who already had phones.
For years I was addicted to having a phone. I needed to text people, I needed to get texts. I needed a camera so I could take lots of pictures of my friends. I needed to be able to call people from bed in the middle of the night when I was upset, bored or drunk.
I remember losing a phone one night and it felt like the world was ending. I imagined a stranger looking at all of my pictures and reading my texts. I had a panic attack and my phone was never found. I think I possibly placed it down somewhere when drunk.
These days I have the opposite of a phone addiction. I still carry my phone with me for safety and just in case I need or want to make contact with anyone but I feel relieved when I go a day or longer without any texts or calls.
My social isolation is absolutely changing my personality and my social anxiety is making me think I prefer to be alone.
I do not want to be alone but every time my phone rings I go into a panic over having to have a conversation and everytime I get a text, I freak out and have to calm myself down before I reply.
I want to be in control of who calls me and who texts me and when. Everything has to be done the way I want it. That’s why it’s just easier to ignore calls and texts and eventually most people back off.
I think I’ve pretty much forgotten when I end and where anxiety starts. I’ve merged with the disorder. I am the disorder.