I was going through some old stuff and came across a very old notebook of mine. It was mostly empty apart from a few pages which were the start of a food diary and one page tucked away at the back, which was pretty weird.
Sometime in my teen years after I had broken up with a boyfriend, I apparently had a plan to get him back. This seems strange to me now because I was the one who initiated the break up and turned him away when he tried to get me back. At a later stage when he started to date someone else, I guess I was feeling lonely so I wrote this little list in the back of a notebook-
– Get [current girlfriend] out of the picture so I can be with X.
– Stop eating so I can be pretty enough for him.
– Go out only when I have to and to carry out tasks to get him back.
– Be together and live happily ever after.
That first point sounds like I was in a gang or something. I have no idea how I planned to get the current girlfriend out of the picture and I never actually acted upon this although I did meet up with X and much to his confusion, tried to get him to take me back. It didn’t work.
I don’t know why I thought stopping eating would work. I was already thin and X had never said otherwise. I think I was just being dramatic or maybe I thought it would worry him to see me looking so unhealthy and maybe that would make him care about me again.
I don’t remember my social life being impacted in any way after I wrote this list. If anything, I think I went out more. As for the “tasks” I had to carry out, I have no idea. I assume it was something about making myself visable to X.
“Be together and live happily ever after”, ha! Does this ever happen? If I thought X would make me happy then why was I so miserable when we dated? Why did I break up with him?
After all of that I started dating other people and eventually found a nice and hate-filled part of my memory to store X in.