Me- So I saw that other doctor for the psychiatric evaluation…
Shrink- How did that go?
Me- Oh, she was so nice! (a passive-aggressive response because I was mad at my doctor for running late.)
Shrink- What did she say?
Me- She thinks I need to come off a lot of my medications. She thinks some of them could be making my anxiety/agitation much worse.
Shrink- Which medications? The benzos?
Me- Yeah the benzos, maybe others. (Shit, I can’t remember!) She thinks I should go into hospital and detox but I told her I wont do that. She’s going to send you a report so we’ll see what she says.
Shrink- Which medications do you want to come off?
Me- ( I stare at her shoes, I want to ask her about them. They look so stylish but totally impractical for this weather, I remind myself that she spends most of her time indoors so she doesn’t have to wear boots and two pairs of socks like I do. My feet feel too warm in her heated office) I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think the antidepressants are doing much. Oh I had a lovely dream that I jumped off a building and died the other night.
Me- It was so peaceful in the end, even if it was painful. I don’t know about the meds, I don’t know what I think. I get confused. I don’t know if my thoughts are actually mine or if they belong to someone else.
Shrink- Who else could they belong to?
Me- My social worker, the crisis team doctor, my group leaders, the doctor I saw the other week, my mum… (pretty much everyone wants me off benzos.)
Shrink- We could try taking you off one of your antidepressants but that’s all for now. You’re on a low dose anyway so you can just cease taking it.
Me: Just like that? Like tonight? (This is what I wanted, right?)
Shrink- Yes, tonight. With the benzos, it would be better if you were less reliant on Xanax, the Valium isn’t so bad.
Me- That’s because it is shit. It doesn’t really work. Xanax works… The last time I was in hospital I was pretty much off Xanax and just on Valium. Then I got sent to the other hospital and they gave me Lorazepam and I couldn’t walk or see straight. Maybe I should take Lorazepam instead of Xanax.
Shrink- (laughs) No.
-Change of subject-
Me- In group we have to try to think outside of ourselves. Like, maybe my life is crap but at least I have a roof over my head, that sort of thing.
Shrink- Does that help you?
Me- Yes, it makes me feel even more crap because others have it worse than me and I can’t handle life with what I have.
Shrink- I see…
Me- (panicking because time is running out) Did you get my last blood test results? It’s really important that I see them. I think I could be dying.
Shrink- Hold on, I’ll ring up and get the results faxed through.
-She gets up and momentarily leaves her office to check the fax machine-
– I notice that she has left the door open. Doesn’t she trust me? I look at the locked cupboard next to the chair I am in and dare myself to test if it is really locked. It’s a bit of a rush because she could come back at any moment. I surreptitiously move my hand over and try to open it. It doesn’t budge but even if it did, I wouldn’t have opened it, I just had to act on my urge-
Shrink- (Returns promptly) The blood results are fine, everything is fine.
Me- Oh. Great…Thank you so much for everything. (PLEASE don’t ever leave me!)