An Unsent Explanation

Too much notice and there’s too much room for panic.

Too little notice and I will inevitably have an excuse.

Zero notice and there’s pretty much zero chance unless everything has

aligned correctly and I happen to be in one of those moods.

Dear SomeoneImportant,

I am sorry I didn’t make the effort to see you. You gave me lots of time and freedom to consider meeting up but I talked myself out of it because I realised how long it has been.

The last time I saw you I was able to convince SomeoneElse to come along too. This helped me considerably because I always felt safe around her and I knew that if things got awkward, she would do what she could to help me feel better. This time I didn’t have that option.

To be honest I realised that in the years between now and then, so much has changed in your life and so little has changed in mine. I didn’t want you to have to explain my inadequacies to your other half before he met me. I didn’t want him to have to be “warned” about what he can talk about and although I don’t know him and don’t know what he would think of my situation, I didn’t want to come across as your pathetic friend.

I was afraid of your happiness. I was afraid that seeing you both would make me feel even worse about my life. I was afraid that I would have to pretend to be happy with my mediocre existance. I was afraid of you and that sounds so ridiculous because you’re one of the kindest people I know. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t want you to see me and feel pity.

I know I have let you down and I am sorry I am too scared to be honest with you. Maybe one day I will be able to explain all of this to you. I feel very guilty about letting this opportunity go by without even talking to you. I think you’re worth more than any excuses I might come up with. You’re worth more than silence too and I hope you are able to understand that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s all about me. It’s all incredibly selfish.

So I sit here with guilt instead of putting myself in a situation of discomfort. I chose guilt because I am so afraid. It makes me want to tear the skin off my arms. I don’t handle guilt well at all.

I’m so sorry I did this to you. I hope one day we can meet up and I can hear about everything going on in your life without worrying about what you think about mine.

S&S

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