Don’t Call Me

I was sitting on my couch with the TV on while I watched random youtube videos. I had just taken the last of my meds for the day and I was waiting for them to kick in when my mobile phone rang. It startled me and I jumped. I looked down and saw it was a friend calling but instead of answering like a normal person, I had a panic attack.

I felt like the air had been knocked out of me, my heart was beating really fast and I felt really sick. The phone kept ringing, it seemed to get louder and louder. I was too scared to hit “ignore” in case I somehow answered the call by mistake. It was utterly ridiculous.

When the call stopped I felt a little bit of relief before the guilt set in. I started thinking of excuses I could give for not answering such as, “I was in the shower”, “I was having a nap”, “my phone was charging in another room.”

I wondered why my friend would be calling. She usually texts because she knows I rarely answer phone calls. I worried that maybe she was in the local area and wanted to stop in or  maybe she wanted me to go somewhere. Then I worried that something bad had happened, like that someone had died or that she and her partner had broken up. I felt awful and the whole experience reconfirmed that I am a hopeless friend. Even after considering that the worst had happened, I still couldn’t call her back or even text her. I was still on alert, still worried that maybe she would want or need me to do something I couldn’t do.

I decided today that I wouldn’t even bother with an excuse. She would probably know I made it up anyway. I sent her a text saying I was sorry I missed her call and asking how she was. I haven’t heard back yet.

I really cannot stand the person I have become.


6 thoughts on “Don’t Call Me

      • Hey Amber, I did something BIG for me…
        I called my friend. She was working and couldn’t answer but she just called me back to say hello, see how I am and so on. I told her I have been a bit sick from a med adjustment, which she understands, she’s seen me go through these sorts of things before. I couldn’t really explain much more than that but I am actually PROUD of myself for making contact with her instead of worrying that she hates me or something for ignoring her call.

      • yay you :). I am proud of you also. It is a huge thing to do, but now the relief may be enormous, for both of you.. this is how a friendship becomes stronger. Perhaps you can talk more to her. It is what friends do.


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