I was sitting on my couch with the TV on while I watched random youtube videos. I had just taken the last of my meds for the day and I was waiting for them to kick in when my mobile phone rang. It startled me and I jumped. I looked down and saw it was a friend calling but instead of answering like a normal person, I had a panic attack.
I felt like the air had been knocked out of me, my heart was beating really fast and I felt really sick. The phone kept ringing, it seemed to get louder and louder. I was too scared to hit “ignore” in case I somehow answered the call by mistake. It was utterly ridiculous.
When the call stopped I felt a little bit of relief before the guilt set in. I started thinking of excuses I could give for not answering such as, “I was in the shower”, “I was having a nap”, “my phone was charging in another room.”
I wondered why my friend would be calling. She usually texts because she knows I rarely answer phone calls. I worried that maybe she was in the local area and wanted to stop in or maybe she wanted me to go somewhere. Then I worried that something bad had happened, like that someone had died or that she and her partner had broken up. I felt awful and the whole experience reconfirmed that I am a hopeless friend. Even after considering that the worst had happened, I still couldn’t call her back or even text her. I was still on alert, still worried that maybe she would want or need me to do something I couldn’t do.
I decided today that I wouldn’t even bother with an excuse. She would probably know I made it up anyway. I sent her a text saying I was sorry I missed her call and asking how she was. I haven’t heard back yet.
I really cannot stand the person I have become.