I took a walk to try to burn some energy and maybe cheer myself up a bit. It was sunny and there were lots of pretty flowers and trees around but I felt no attachment to anything. It was like I was walking in another dimension and while I was aware of nature and people around me, I felt I couldn’t connect with anything. It felt like I was just passing though.
I felt like a ghost.
I wanted to experience beyond seeing. I wanted to feel some emotion when I saw something nice. I felt like I could describe everything around me but like I didn’t know what I liked or if I liked anything. Maybe I like pink flowers. Usually I do. I wanted to feel a little flutter of emotions, like “oh, that’s a pretty leaf” or “what a cool looking tree.”
I kept walking and even my footsteps felt like they couldn’t commit to participating in the outside world. I wasn’t moving fast or slowly. I wasn’t inbetween. I was all over the place. I sort of felt like I was floating.
I started breaking twigs. I wanted to hear them snap. I wanted to feel the tension release. Deep inside me I was angry and upset but I couldn’t reach those emotions either. I headed home.
There was a brief moment where I paused and tried to appreciate some leaves but all I could think was that they looked like shriveled up bird feet.