A less bad person’s thoughts VS I am probably headed to a dark place

Xanax,Valium and I made the effort to visit my friend. We took flowers and lunch and we were so pleasant. I sat sort of still and made conversation like a normal person. Xanax had a top up before lunch. We loathe eating around others.

I know Benzos are terrible and should probably be banned and blah, blah, blah but bloody hell, they make me seem level-headed. They make me not freak out so much.

I think I have changed my mind and currently I don’t want to come off these particular pills. The psychiatrist prescribing them doesn’t seem to give a shit.

I have been doing so many important, constructive things in the last couple of days.

I am broke as hell. My bank was overdrawn again the other day. I got some money in there since and that’s how I bought the flowers and lunch. I don’t think too far ahead. Maybe one day the bank wont be so nice about covering my bills. I needed to buy two very good nailpolishes today.

The more I do the better I seem. The worse I get the more people seem to say I am doing well and they would be right if I wasn’t reliant on sedatives.

Going to hospital, getting off any of my meds is something I am ignoring for now. I am too busy. I am too scared. I don’t think I would benefit from anything.

I cannot correct people. In all of this any professional might say I am fine and coping with life and even if I say otherwise, it doesn’t matter. It is all paper work. I care about most of them and don’t want them to get into trouble.

Anyway, I am glad I was able to be a better friend today. I just wish I didn’t have to take meds to do that. I think I just totally contradicted what I wrote in this whole post.

It’s a mad life.





2 thoughts on “A less bad person’s thoughts VS I am probably headed to a dark place

  1. It is mad. Although I think the alternative would be dull.
    I do love how you are so searingly honest, especially about the paperwork, that was a hugely difficult part of working in psychiatry for me. I actually cared, which doesn’t translate into an occupation, unfortunately.
    Meds are a tool, that’s all, not a fix. If you need to use them, use them, but it might be useful to take advantage of their effects to find something that is engaging for you.
    That sounds like distraction, and maybe it is, but it is effective for me in managing my mood.

    • Thanks for the comment. I try to use benzos as a tool, meaning I use them when I have to go to places like appointments, groups or meeting up with people. The whole idea of me going back on benzos last year was so I could start attending groups and getting used to be around others, which didn’t exactly work because I ended in hospital. I tapered off both Xanax and Valium in hospital and when I got back out I started needed them both more and more.
      I think that the fact that you cared/care is definitely a postive but I can understand why people working in the psychiatric field have to distance themselves.

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