Xanax,Valium and I made the effort to visit my friend. We took flowers and lunch and we were so pleasant. I sat sort of still and made conversation like a normal person. Xanax had a top up before lunch. We loathe eating around others.
I know Benzos are terrible and should probably be banned and blah, blah, blah but bloody hell, they make me seem level-headed. They make me not freak out so much.
I think I have changed my mind and currently I don’t want to come off these particular pills. The psychiatrist prescribing them doesn’t seem to give a shit.
I have been doing so many important, constructive things in the last couple of days.
I am broke as hell. My bank was overdrawn again the other day. I got some money in there since and that’s how I bought the flowers and lunch. I don’t think too far ahead. Maybe one day the bank wont be so nice about covering my bills. I needed to buy two very good nailpolishes today.
The more I do the better I seem. The worse I get the more people seem to say I am doing well and they would be right if I wasn’t reliant on sedatives.
Going to hospital, getting off any of my meds is something I am ignoring for now. I am too busy. I am too scared. I don’t think I would benefit from anything.
I cannot correct people. In all of this any professional might say I am fine and coping with life and even if I say otherwise, it doesn’t matter. It is all paper work. I care about most of them and don’t want them to get into trouble.
Anyway, I am glad I was able to be a better friend today. I just wish I didn’t have to take meds to do that. I think I just totally contradicted what I wrote in this whole post.
It’s a mad life.