“You’re everyone”, I say matter-of-factly. She looks flattered and a bit confused. “You’re my case-worker, my group leaders, you’re the psychologist who I hate… Oh but I don’t hate you.” She smiles at that. She is my main psychiatrist. “You’re everyone because you’re all the same. No one really knows what will help me.” She nods.
I tell her I want to come off all of my medication. I mention that the other psychiatrist was quite alarmed by the amount of meds I take. She says, “Do you want to end up in hospital again?” I tell her I don’t. She says it would be dangerous to come off everything at once, that I would be very sick and emotional. I tell her I think it would be great to feel a whole heap of emotions. “You would probably feel angry, very depressed and lonely”, she replies. I don’t bother pointing out that I feel that way most of the time anyway.
We compromise and she says I can come off one of my antidepressants because it doesn’t appear to be helping me at all. I tell her I don’t have months and months to come off one medication at a time. “I am thinking of going bush. Just packing a bag, hopping on a train and camping in the mountains without any medication. I need to connect with nature.” She furrows her brow and says, “That is a terrible idea.” I suppose she is right.
At home I call my Mum and I decide to keep taking all of my medications until I have a special sort of blood test which measures how the body metabolises medication.