My appointment did not go well today. As soon as I walked into the room she could tell I was annoyed. I had lots to address with her and I was in no mood for BS. I got some stuff off my chest and she was like “Whoa, you’re angry today.. Okay…”
I swore a lot.
I asked her what her treatment plan for me was and she said she didn’t have one. WRONG ANSWER. She suggested I come up with a plan or that we work on one together. I said, “I’m not doing your work! You get paid for this!”
I told her I needed skills and that talking about future goals is useless. I need help now. I can’t cope with the present and the future terrifies me.
She told me I could find information on the internet! I said, “So why am I even here?”
She told me I could leave if I wanted to.
I was close to tears and panicking. We argued for a bit longer and then I screamed at her that it was all BS and that she would never see me again. I stormed out but on my way I knocked over a whole bunch of stuff on one of her shelves. I think I may have knocked some stuff over as I stormed through the waiting room too. I didn’t even feel like myself then.
I have no idea why the next part happened but mid-complete meltdown and in a total panic, I ran into a florist to try to buy a vase which I thought would make a nice Mother’s Day present. I was told it was just for display and not for sale (why do shops do this, ugh!). I was shaking so I just ran out.
I was terrified the psychologist would call the police so I hid behind a building and just sobbed hysterically. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was in big trouble. I had no idea what to do so I called my mental health team to try to talk to my caseworker. She was busy so they put me through to someone else who was able to calm me down. She suggested I call my psychologist to apologise, so I did.
“I’m so sorry”, I mumbled through the phone to the secretary. She put me through to my psychologist and I said sorry to her too. She asked if I was going to come back. I said, “Now? Or in the future?” She reminded me that the last thing I said was that I was never coming back. I told her that I didn’t know if I would return. She suggested that I go into hospital again and I said there was no way I would be doing that. She told me she never wants a session like that again but if I want to come back, I can. I said I would think about it. She also told me to talk to my GP and see if he could recommend someone better than her. I asked if she called the police and she said she hadn’t. I asked her if I broke anything and she said yes, but nothing important.
I hung up and sat for a while. I still couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t trust my legs to walk. Eventually I made it to the train station and got a train home.
Now it doesn’t feel real. I know it happened but it seems like I am remembering a movie or something. I rarely act out like that. I usually turn my anger onto myself. I feel so guilty. I acted so immaturely. I was just so frustrated. I really thought this year things could get better. I was prepared to do anything to fight my problems. Now I have very little fight in me.
I am not living, I am just existing. I wish I could just crawl into a hole but Sunday is Mother’s Day and I have to act fine and happy.