It doesn’t feel real

My appointment did not go well today. As soon as I walked into the room she could tell I was annoyed. I had lots to address with her and I was in no mood for BS. I got some stuff off my chest and she was like “Whoa, you’re angry today.. Okay…”

I swore a lot.

I asked her what her treatment plan for me was and she said she didn’t have one. WRONG ANSWER. She suggested I come up with a plan or that we work on one together. I said, “I’m not doing your work! You get paid for this!”

I told her I needed skills and that talking about future goals is useless. I need help now. I can’t cope with the present and the future terrifies me.

She told me I could find information on the internet! I said, “So why am I even here?”

She told me I could leave if I wanted to.

I was close to tears and panicking. We argued for a bit longer and then I screamed at her that it was all BS and that she would never see me again. I stormed out but on my way I knocked over a whole bunch of stuff on one of her shelves. I think I may have knocked some stuff over as I stormed through the waiting room too. I didn’t even feel like myself then.

I have no idea why the next part happened but mid-complete meltdown and in a total panic, I ran into a florist to try to buy a vase which I thought would make a nice Mother’s Day present. I was told it was just for display and not for sale (why do shops do this, ugh!). I was shaking so I just ran out.

I was terrified the psychologist would call the police so I hid behind a building and just sobbed hysterically. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was in big trouble. I had no idea what to do so I called my mental health team to try to talk to my caseworker. She was busy so they put me through to someone else who was able to calm me down. She suggested I call my psychologist to apologise, so I did.

“I’m so sorry”, I mumbled through the phone to the secretary. She put me through to my psychologist and I said sorry to her too. She asked if I was going to come back. I said, “Now? Or in the future?” She reminded me that the last thing I said was that I was never coming back. I told her that I didn’t know if I would return. She suggested that I go into hospital again and I said there was no way I would be doing that. She told me she never wants a session like that again but if I want to come back, I can. I said I would think about it. She also told me to talk to my GP and see if he could recommend someone better than her. I asked if she called the police and she said she hadn’t. I asked her if I broke anything and she said yes, but nothing important.

I hung up and sat for a while. I still couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t trust my legs to walk. Eventually I made it to the train station and got a train home.

Now it doesn’t feel real. I know it happened but it seems like I am remembering a movie or something. I rarely act out like that. I usually turn my anger onto myself. I feel so guilty. I acted so immaturely. I was just so frustrated. I really thought this year things could get better. I was prepared to do anything to fight my problems. Now I have very little fight in me.

I am not living, I am just existing. I wish I could just crawl into a hole but Sunday is Mother’s Day and I have to act fine and happy.

 

 

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18 thoughts on “It doesn’t feel real

    • I feel like an idiot for how I behaved. I haven’t acted like that in years so it shocked me quite a bit. At the same time it still doesn’t feel real but it is all I can think about.

      • *nods* ok, so maybe to ease how you feel. Anger, rage, frustration ..are a huge part of depression and anxiety. So while many people may not understand an outburst, a therapist will. By no means will one encourage it, well that is not true, sometimes that is helpful.. but it is not something that you should dwell on.

        This is what I would suggest. Call her as soon as you can, maybe she doesn’t work Saturday, but Monday for sure, talk a bit. Tell her you were frustrated and sorry, It was an outburst, you feel terrible. She should understand, I would.

        I am sure she will welcome you back. The first visit, plan your therapy. You should both have a plan, you both should know its direction and goal. Remember, you are as responsible for your therapy as she is, you are the customer, tell her what you need, want. She may provide homework, work hard at it, the prize is you. 🙂

        A goal will let you both know how things are going and therapy can be adjusted to succeed. You know.. sometimes a breakdown like this.. is just what you need to start things going right. It may feel terrible now. It may be the best thing that could have happened. If you let it be.

      • Thank you for your advice. I feel much better about it all now. While I know my behaviour was out of line, I am sure I am not the first or the last person to go a bit nuts in a therapist’s office.
        I will call her on Monday but I am still not sure if she is the right therapist for me. I’ll discuss this with her and see if she can recommend anyone else.
        I hope you’re right about this working out for the better. Maybe I’ll find a better suited therapist.
        Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and offer a different perspective. 🙂

      • Have you had a diagnosis of any type? This can determine the right therapist for you.

        Sometimes though, to get into someone, you turn them inside out, it feels like that, so reactions can be like yours. You will feel so much better talking to her, like you said. Maybe she is not right for you. Perhaps now though, you both have a better understanding and will move in the right direction for you.

        🙂

        *hugs*
        Amber

    • Hi Amber,
      I am doing OK, I guess. Thank you for asking. How about you? I still haven’t called the psychologist back because I am too chicken. I will have to call next week to cancel an appointment but I don’t want to cancel all of the appointments I have made at once. I don’t know why.

      • If one of my patients was in a similar position, I would be happier if they came back. The goal is to help to make you well, we know there are bumps in the road. Concern becomes higher when someone backs away.

        I think maybe you are feeling a bit ashamed? That would be an honest feeling and an understandable one. i am going to poke about your blog a bit, make more comments to get more of a feel of things.

        it will be ok you know.

        *hugs*

      • Thank you so much. You’re right, I do feel ashamed. On a mature level I know I acted inappropriately. On an immature level I think my actions were justified. In general I hate making phone calls and I hate finalising things, even if I know they are over, so if I tell the psychologist I wont be returning, I will feel like I have one person less on my side. That sounds strange because I don’t plan on seeing her again but even if I don’t see her, she is still currently my psychologist.

    • Thanks Jenny, by the way you’re going to get a whole heap of replies to your comments here because for some reason they came through as spam and I am only now approving/seeing them.

  1. I have wondered of late just how helpful therapists are. Do they really know what they are doing? In the experiences I’ve had, I’d have to say not really.

    • I’ve had mixed experiences. Sometimes I think it’s good just to have someone to talk to but then it doesn’t really solve anything and therapy is expensive. The best therapists I have seen were in hospital, they seemed to really know what they were talking about and were really helpful. This sort of therapy doesn’t continue when you leave hospital though, so it’s back to looking for that needle in a haystack.

      • I think, to be an effective therapist, you would need to be an Empath, somewhat self realized, and able to validate others and see what is really going on.
        That takes ability and experience. It also helps if they’ve been through the same things themselves. How the heck can you understand what is needed otherwise?

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